I am officially taking the day off, as of a half hour ago. I made it to 5pm, isn’t that enough? Buba the cat can take care of a toddler, right?
Ella has actually been wonderful today, which isn’t something I can say most days. Oh sure, I might say it, but I am lying. It’s a mom instinct -even when our kids are hellions (I always read this as hell-lions, which isn’t so far off) and we want to run away from them, we still want to protect them from other’s scrutiny. But, come on. She’s almost two. Sometimes she is a jerk.
Today she has been pretty sunny. Right now she is chasing the cat around the house with a cup of dry pasta, trying to get him to eat. She slept late, did not beat up the little boy we watched all morning, did not whine when it took two hours to make a “quick trip” to Costco, took a good nap, and has not asked to watch TV all day. If every day were this easy, I would consider having more. Oh.. wait…
Today is just done though. I am done. Out of energy. I’ve spent all day trying not to think about things, that by sundown all I can do is lay around and – you guessed it – think about the things I was avoiding. Tom is at work, and if he were here I would ask him to watch Ella so that I could go drive around and cry. I always cry better in the car – I feel like I am going somewhere, moving, not wallowing (though, of course, I am.) But letting Ella see me cry is not something I do a lot – not when it is an angry cry, a bitter cry. So, instead, I have let Ella spread dry pasta on every carpet in the house, knowing that even after I vacuum, I will still find one curled rotini in the arch of my foot at midnight.
Today is my little brother’s birthday. He is 19. The long story is complicated and not something I am going to share with the whole-wide-internets, but the short story is that he needs his space, and I want to give it to him. I want to be supportive in an absent way, which is to say: I miss him every day but try not to let him know that, except I hope he really does know that, and that he lets me back in his life. And around in circles I go. I hope he had a good day, that he has people with him who helped him celebrate, and that he knows he has family, even if he is not ready to let me, my husband, and our kids be that yet. He’s my little brother – how can I not worry? At that age I felt like I had no one in the world looking out for me, worrying about me, wondering how I was. I hope he knows we do think about him.
(Picture from the “Things Ella Treasures” set over on Flickr. Ella collects things in the bottom door of the china cabinet, and a few days ago it was this photo I usually keep on the bookshelf, but that she swiped. Luke and I on an adventure, in the days of the Laser and running away from our family together. I’m afraid maybe I ran away without him realizing that he wasn’t part of what I was running from. Maybe I am just getting what I dished out.)