Know what I can’t wait for? The day when I can do things right the first time. Good god am I tired of “doing what I can, when I can”. I want to be able to focus, to undo and redo something if it’s not perfect, to experiment and not feel like I am wasting precious minutes of silence.
Tom doesn’t understand why I get so flustered when I am trying to write (sew/paint/plan/sketch/read/design) and Ella is standing at my elbow asking for something. It’s not that it’s hugely inconvenient to get the juice – it’s just that I want to be able to sit and think for 2 minutes without being interrupted. So much of my creativity comes from being able to focus in on one thing and see it, and resee it, until it is finally ‘right’ and I can not remember the last time I felt like I could really do that.
If I am being honest, this is probably one of my main deterrents to having more kids – another baby means another 5 years tacked on until I can reasonably expect to be alone. And that of course is if I send the kids to school, which I am torn about. It feels so selfish to want them to just get out from under my feet, when I really do believe that homeschooling can give kids tools that public school can not, but then I have to ask myself if it is always a bad thing to be selfish. Is it taboo for a mom to be selfish with her time, with her energy? Is it unseemly to admit that being a wife and mother does not fulfill me entirely? Why do I feel the need to tack on “I really do love my life right now” when I would hope that those of you reading this know that. I feel so defensive about just wanting time and space to write, as if one passion cancels out the other. (It doesn’t.)
I keep telling myself that it will come. That eventually I will be able to use my degree for more than wall filler. That someday I will have time to sit and rewrite the same sentence 23 times, patiently waiting for boredom to bear fruit. Until then, I will continue to hit the ‘publish’ button long before the blog post is finished, and I will try and make peace with crooked seams.