Not drowning, waving.

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I feel like I need to say something about the previous post, which I have taken down. I left it up for a few hours, and I kept coming back to it, trying to decide how to tack on a “But really ya’ll, things are okay, I just have hard moments where I feel like a big failure, but they thankfully pass quickly” on the end without it sounding trite and fake.

The nature of the blogging beast is that we get these little glimpses into each others lives, but sometimes a glimpse can color how the reader pictures the rest of your day, and I just couldn’t stand that anyone would think that I am walking around depressed, reading to walk into a river with rocks in my pockets. I finally feel like I am hitting my stride with these kids lately, and that the small steps I am making forward in my home management, and creativity, are things to be proud of. But then there are those moments…

Does everyone have those moments? I guess I don’t even know what is normal; whether a general feeling of worthlessness washes over everyone every so often. I know that for me, it is normal, but that being a wife and mother has magnified it. 3 years ago, if I was falling behind I could shrug it off and accept that the worst that could happen would be that I would have to start over on my own. Now, I have the most important people in the world depending on me to get it right, and I just can’t all the time. No one can, but it doesn’t make me any less angry at myself when I fail.

So, I wrote the post in the midst of a dark moment, only to turn around and look, there is that sunshine I was looking for.

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And then the post just felt wrong, so I took it down. I do feel like I am drowning sometimes, but the focus of the post should have been on all the people in my life today who would have done more than just stand on the bank and shout. ‘Blessed’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. Thank you for rallying around me when I was small and weak.

8 Responses to Not drowning, waving.

  1. Denice says:

    I didn’t have a chance to read your previous post, but I think everyone has moments of anguish. Just today, I sat in the car and cried because Sam is being so mean to me, and I feel like a failure. I don’t know how to change it, other that to show him even more that I love him, but it’s killing me sometimes. And I feel like I can’t possibly be a good enough mom to both kids, let alone this third one that’s growing.

    So, I don’t know what you wrote, but that’s how I feel.

  2. I did have the opportunity of reading your last post, but I guess I held some comfort in the fact I have known you for a while(and have a little history on your life). Also the idea that yes, we have all been there.

    “the small steps I am making forward in my home management” I rarely allow myself to feel proud of this. I think finally being comfortable with the caliber of chores/organization in sync with corraling my family for scheduled events such as meals and bedtimes I am going to mentally pat myself on the back.

  3. Kassie says:

    I totally feel that way… at least 1 time per week… so never, ever feel alone… if I was meant to be a Stepford wife and mother, I’d… uh… been born in the ’50s! :)

  4. melinda says:

    I didn’t read that post either, Ivory, but just wanting to say what a joy it is to see you with your girls in class…they are such wonderful happy little things – you are obviously doing a whole heck of a lot right!!!!

  5. Jodie says:

    My sister told me just after Madigan was born that I would make a bunch of mistakes, but Madigan wouldn’t know. I do think we all have moments, hours or days where we just don’t feel like we are doing a good job. (Ask me about the cupcake clean up day when ALL OF MADIGAN’S toys ended up in our bedroom…not my best mommy moment.)

    On a silly note, I knew a guy who has the post title on a tattoo, except the guy doing the tattoo left out the N in Drowning.

  6. Marta says:

    You wrote: “Does everyone have those moments? I guess I don’t even know what is normal; whether a general feeling of worthlessness washes over everyone every so often.”

    My answer is yes. The good news is that it really is fleeting most of the time.

  7. Meghan says:

    We all feel poorly sometimes, we all feel like maybe we aren’t cut out for the job we have taken on. But you of all people are an incredible loving parent. Look at your girls, they are sweet and fun and beautiful!

    Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
    John W. Gardner

  8. I just agree with everything you’re saying. I think motherhood really does make the dark moments more scary because the stakes are so much higher and Mom’s flaws affect everyone else so much. You’re so wise to redirect yourself to all the blessings and joys of having a family.

    There’s definitely a dark side to motherhood that I felt totally unprepared for–all the anger and frustration mixed in with the love. The fact that it’s so hard for us to recognize and deal with the dark side I think is a side effect of our society’s unrealistic views of women and mothers.

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