Not drowning but waving

Posted by in BAH | 8 Comments

Things have been hard lately. The pit has been lurking for a while, following me around corners, cutting off my path, growing and growing until I felt like I was on a island in the center, unable to jump across to solid ground. So, it shouldn’t have been a surprise when I stumbled into it this last week, and hit bottom with a dull thud.

I saw this picture of the sink hole in Guatemala a few weeks ago, and thought “Oh yes, I know you.” If you look closely, you’ll see me at the bottom, tugging on the rope.

It’s hard for me to use this space to describe how this feels. I’m not sure if it’s because writing it here makes it more ‘real’ or because I expect my children to read this all some day, as a sort of babybook of their early years. But the truth is, I’m not okay. I’m angry, I’m anxious, I’m suffocating under the weight of the guilt of not being enough. A bad day here or there has slowly shifted to a good day here or there, and I don’t want to feel like this. I wrote before that I wouldn’t waste another year of our lives denying that depression had found me, so I’m not. I’m trying to own it, make peace with it, and find a way to crawl out of it.

I’m grabbing the rope. Let’s hope it is tied to something solid at the top.

8 Responses to Not drowning but waving

  1. ang says:

    this makes me wish my paper journals weren’t 6000 miles away. because some 10 odd years ago i think we paper-promised to always be on the other end of that rope. and, let’s be honest, we’re no good at it right now. i know, because i’ve been down here whispering and wimpering for about a month now. if i find a way out, i’ll try to grab for you on my way up.

  2. ang says:

    …instantly deciding that came across 210938420x differently than I meant it to. what i meant was this: I love you more than 99.9% of people on this planet, and I am proud of you for your honesty and reaching out for help before you go under. I have been having a lot of trouble doing that myself. We NEED to find a time to talk soon. LOVE.

  3. eeg says:

    What a poem.

    And here I am, unknown to you, but sitting across the country envying you your life and being sucked down by mine as well. I am a hand on that rope holding fast for you to climb out.

    If only people admitted that they felt this way more often, it wouldn’t be such a lonely place. Bravo to you and what a legacy for your girls when they do read this in the future.

    I am only one and it is not enough, but here I am, rooting for you.

  4. chance says:

    ive been circling the drain for the last few weeks too…. just been feeling pretty defeated. *sigh* its so hard when your brain is saying things should be good but your heart says let’s just go back to bed.

    i love you leetle seester. and come hell or high water if you need me ill be there.

  5. Jodie says:

    I never know the right thing to say. I can’t compare your family and their needs with my piddly ole 1 kid family, but it is sometimes just *SO* much. SAH, working mom, all the money in the world, broke as dirt, no matter how much or how little you have, I think it all is too much sometimes. Been fighting the battle here too. Wish I was there to bring coffee.

  6. Meghan says:

    Can you feel it? I’ve got the other end for you and lots of help to hold it, let’s get you outta there.

  7. Denice says:

    Ivy, thanks for your honesty. I’ve noticed that I’m slipping and sliding into that hole, too. And being honest that you’re going down is the best first step.

    I do hope you find your way out quickly. But if not, lots of us are here to try to help you up.

  8. anymommy says:

    I’m listening. I just wanted you to know that. I think your honesty is amazing and you mothering is inspiring.

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