Year of Pleasures #13

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Sweet baby James.


It’s no secret: when we were planning on having a third baby, we were having a boy. It wasn’t that we hoped we would have a boy, or we wished for a boy – we thought we were having a boy. Tom and I both had a feeling that there was a boy waiting to join our family, and we flirted with not finding out the sex of the baby at the 20 week ultrasound because we were just so sure. That pregnancy was so different from the first two (I was so big, carried differently, had hyperemesis) that the idea that there was just one average sized little girl in there was laughable. No, I was carrying a boy, or maybe two.

Or not.

It’s a touchy subject, this gender disappointment thing. “What do you MEAN you are disappointed that Becky was a girl?” the critical voices in my brain say, aghast. But it wasn’t that I was disappointed that the baby on the ultrasound was a girl.. it was that she wasn’t a boy. We felt, and still feel, like there is a boy missing in our family, and the fact that our third child, the child who was going to be our last child, was not that baby boy… well, it meant we had to reorganize our plans. Our family. Our home. Tom and I sat in the parking lot of the ultrasound lab, alternately grinning like maniacs and looking confused. This baby, our sweet Becky, is exactly who she should be, and we cherish her, but we also long for the little boy.

We have shifted our ideal family from three children to four. We avoid talking about whether we would go for five should the next baby be a (very loved) girl, but we also talk about where we could add bedrooms in our home should we need a few more. We coo at baby boys in supermarkets, we hold up small blue things in stores, we debate middle names (he will be a Thomas, but will likely go by his middle name to distinguish him from the 4674 other Tom’s, Tommy’s and Thomas’s in his family). We don’t plan on meeting this baby for a year, hopefully longer (my poor body needs a break), but we anticipate him all the same.

Which brings me back to James, my friend Gretchen’s little boy. When she confirmed that they were having a little boy after two girls I admitted I was jealous. Overjoyed for her and her family, but also oh so envious. That was what my family was supposed to look like. I lovingly bought James gifts, hoping that someday Gretchen would be able to loan them to us for our little boy. I knit hugs and kisses into every stitch of my strip of the blanket our tribe made her, and prayed that someday they would make us a little blue blanket as well. I cheered when he was born, and breathed in deeply when I was able to hold him just a few days later. I adore him, and I reach for him, cooing and making a fool of myself to make him smile. And each time, I think “Okay. I can wait.

But not too long.”

Playgroup is exhausting. And amazing. And exhausting.

(Becky loves to snuggle James as well. Hopefully she will be a bit less smothery and a bit more helpful by the time she has to give up the baby moniker.)

7 Responses to Year of Pleasures #13

  1. jennifer says:

    I’ve got two! Neener neener! Just kidding.. lol. Love you. I can’t wait to hear the middle name!!!! 353 day, right?

  2. Holly says:

    This is really funny because we have two boys and I thought that Fisher was a girl. I was totally convinced. So at his ultrasound I went from being happy to being dissapointed because it wasnt a girl. I buy girl things all the time for other babies and hope that one day we will have a little girl. :) So I get how you feel totally just we are on the other side of the fence! Someday in the future I hope to have a little girl to call our own! <3

  3. Chance says:

    I felt the same way when I found out Ean would be a boy, and not a girl. I had long ago drawn a line in the sand at 2 pregnancies, and for us, 2 boys turned out to be exactly right… but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that with every one of your girls and my frineds girls, I don’t feel a little pang of envy.

    and I must admit I lol, every time I think of you having a *Monica, Melinda, Michelle, Shawn, then finally a Tommy*, situation. :)

  4. Lacy says:

    I know how you feel, I was secretly hoping for a girl,haha! And like you I wasn’t disappointed that we had a boy, I just had my preference,lol. I never had one single feeling while pregnant of what I was having. Everyone made their predictions (most said boy, a few girl) and when they asked me I just said I had no idea and we’d find out when he/she got here. I would love to have another baby one of these days (4-5 years down the road) but if it’s not a girl the second time around then that’s my limit,lol. I just know I would end up with three boys trying for that girl! And then they’d have to cart me off to the loony bin!

  5. Leah says:

    I can SO relate to this, I felt the same way once we found out Jaxson was a boy. I certainly love him to pieces and can’t imagine him to be anything other than who he is, but I feel like there is a girl missing in our family. We both thought we would have only girls so the fact he’s a boy threw us all off (in a good way!). But I mean, Mark and I both have dreams about this little girl we don’t have, of giving birth to her in vivid detail, and the name we have picked out even means “A vision or dream” (We didn’t know that until recently! Talk about weird). Thankfully, Mark just agreed to having a third baby after months of debate 😀 I’m ecstatic about that possibility! And now I’m even more excited to hear that your beautiful family will be expanding sometime too! YAY babies!

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