what is mine shall know my face

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Sam -

I am trying to be patient. Really, I am. I’ve always subscribed to the idea that babies are born on their birthdays, not on due dates; that women are not overdue until they are past 42 weeks; that unnecessarily rushing a birth will just make things harder on everyone involved… I do. I believe in those things. And when your two oldest sisters were born near 41 weeks, I accepted that “This is just how long my body takes to build a baby”. I was content to be a 41 week mom, all my babies showing up to the party a week ‘late’.
Of course, then Becky was born at 39 weeks (though she would have made her entrance a week earlier had she been positioned correctly), and now I have no idea when to expect you. I am surrounded by pregnant women lately, and one by one they have had their babies – some ‘late’, some early, some right when they were expected – and each time I have to remind myself that you will come when you are ready, but it’s not easy to squash the pangs of jealousy.

I have been waiting for what seems like years – long, sick, trudging years – to see your sweet face, and now that it is near, I just want to be there, to be holding you in my arms, knowing that we both survived this pregnancy healthy and whole. I want to know if you are a Samuel or a Samantha. I want to know that our family is complete, that I can give away the maternity clothes (in a few months), and get on with the mothering part of this endeavor.

38 weeks

So, I am 38 weeks, closing in on 39.  In all likelyhood, you will be here sometime in July, but that could be tomorrow, or three weeks from now. I imagine your birth much like your sisters – a slow buildup that I ignore and deny, followed by a short, intense, joyful labor – and then I will lift you up, and I will stare into your eyes – pearls I have made out of sand – and I will say “Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing today.”

Waiting
John Burroughs

Serene, I fold my hands and wait,
Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;
I rave no more ‘gainst time or fate,
For lo! my own shall come to me.

I stay my haste, I make delays,
For what avails this eager pace?
I stand amid the eternal ways,
And what is mine shall know my face.

Asleep, awake, by night or day,
The friends I seek are seeking me;
No wind can drive my bark astray,
Nor change the tide of destiny.

What matter if I stand alone?
I wait with joy the coming years;
My heart shall reap where it hath sown,
And garner up its fruit of tears.

The waters know their own and draw
The brook that springs in yonder height;
So flows the good with equal law
Unto the soul of pure delight.

The stars come nightly to the sky;
The tidal wave unto the sea;
Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,
Can keep my own away from me.

3 Responses to what is mine shall know my face

  1. Grapplesauce says:

    Random lady from the internet here, but I have been reading your blog for a long time and, for what it’s worth, you and Sam will be in my thoughts. All the wishes for the perfect birth for you (and soon wouldn’t hurt!)

  2. Danielle says:

    this honestly made me tear up.

    my son was born four months ago, into my hands, in our living room. it was an amazing experience and i remember feeling just how you describe feeling when you see your new baby.

    i have been reading since just after ella was born (that seems like forever). so as a weird stranger/lurker, i would just like to say, i am very excited for you all to welcome this new baby into your family. what a lucky little baby!

  3. Hil says:

    Random internet mom here. As I cuddle with my two boys, I check in on your blog again, and send you, Sam positive thoughts. Medicine was a huge part of our conceptions, miscarriages, births so I love reading about your girls’ birhs and will keep you. All in my thoughts through Sam’s happy arrival!

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