The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

Ani’s Song

I am not a pretty girl. I ain’t your damsel in distress. I don’t need to be rescued. Maybe you would prefer a maiden fair, or a kitten up a tree. But I am not a desperate girl.
If my life were a movie, I would light a cigarette and the smoke would curl around my face. Everything I do would be interesting. I’d play the good guy in every scene but I always feel like I have to take a stand and there’s always something in the other hand. I always feel like I have to open my mouth and every time I do, I offend someone, somewhere.

I am not an angry girl, but it seems like I’ve got everyone fooled. Every time I say something they find hard to hear they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear. I am not a sorry girl.
You know I can’t apologize for everything I know. I mean, you don’t have to agree with me, but once you get me going you better just let me go. We have to be able to criticize what we love, say what we have to say, ’cause if you’re not trying to make something better, as far as I can tell, you’re just in the way.
Generally my generation wouldn’t be caught working for the man, and generally, I agree. Trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan, and I earned my disillusionment. I have fought a good fight. I don’t need anyone to hold me, I can hold my own. And some times I sing like my life is at stake, cause you’re only as loud as the noises you make. I’m learning to laugh as hard as I can, cause silence is violence. If more people were screaming, then I could relax, but a good brain ain’t diddly if you don’t have the facts.

I am not a stupid girl. Squint your eyes and look closer. I’m not between you and your ambition. I am a poster girl without a poster.
They tried to test my I.Q. when I was four years old. They showed me a picture of three oranges and a pear. They said ‘Which one is different, Which one doesn’t belong?’ And I pointed to myself, to my mother, to my father. I pointed to them and I pointed to the second orange.
Both my parents taught me good will and I have done well by their names. Just the kindness I have lavished on strangers is more than I can explain. Still there’s so many who’ve turned out their porch lights just so I wouldn’t know they were home. I passed by and left them alone.
I’m not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you and I will like to state for the record I did everything I could do. I’m not saying that I am a saint; just don’t want to live that way. No, I will never be a saint. But I just wanted to say,
Not bad for a girl they put in Special Ed.

I am not a selfish girl, but I have a few requests.
I want someone who sees the pointless and still keeps a purpose in mind. I want someone who is tortured, some of the time. Or maybe just put it all to words and make me say, ‘You know, I never heard it said that way.’
I want someone who can hold my interest, hold it and never let it fall. Someone who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall.
I’m tired of being the interesting one; I’m tired of having fun for two. Don’t sit behind your eyes and wait for me to surprise you.
For the woman who has everything, what have you got?
I want someone who’s not afraid of me or anyone else. In other words, I want someone who’s not afraid of themselves.
Do you think that is too much to ask?

I am not a pretty girl, and god help you if you are an ugly girl. ‘Course to pretty is also your doom. Everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room. And god help you if you are a phoenix and dare to rise up out of the ash. A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are flying past.

And so I’m calling from the diner, the diner on the corner. I ordered two cups of coffee. One is for you. I wish you would answer your phone before your coffee gets cold.

I am not a pretty girl. I am not a maiden fair. But what if there are no more damsels, and the kittens learn to get down before you can get there?

i am a smart enough person to realize the good cames with the bad. And today, i thought about my post last night, (please do’t take that so seriously ang..) and thought about the bad things about friends. Yet another post that will get me in trouble.

#1 feelings. the reason i love my shrink is that i NEVER have to worry about his feelings. EVER. i mean, he gets paid to listen to my b.s. right? and if he thinks my opinions are wrong, his job is to find out WHY, not to argue with me. If i hurt his feelings with some random thought, i know he will still be there next friday. If i hurt a friends feeling with some random thought i am at risk of losing someone close to me. See what i mean?

#2. sex. URG. i am the worst at this, possibly because i have a high ratio of guy friends, or maybe i just do this to my self. BUT what i do know is i used to have this great group of guy friends, and then i either went out with them, or caught THAT vibe, you know the one. the ‘i’m just hanging out with you until you agree to go out with me’ vibe. so now, we are casual aquantences, if even that,
BUT i have had guys out right tell me, ‘ i am afraid i may end up having feelings for you’ and i admire that. WHY? because they value our friendship enogh not to give me that vibe, but to confront me and ask if it is worth it. so, sex is BAD.

#3. good byes. The sad truth is i have said good bye to almost everyone in my life. I have moved every year since i was… 7? so in turn have had very few lasting relationships. So bye bye all those people. My parents have both left me in my life. Adios. and even the poeple i love now, here, i have said good bye to the FIRST time i left… chow. and then knowing i will leave again, some day, makes if seem silly to even care about people at all… later taters

#4. strings. I mean by this the people who come along with friends. You know the drill. You meet some one cool, you agree to meet and have coffee, and they bring the boyfriend. the sister. the guy from their spanish class that has to be loud to know he still exists. I don’t want to sound like such a freekin snob, but man. maybe i’ve just had bad luck there.

and lastly, #5. love. So what happens when you end up loving someone? maybe platonic, possibly not… but what happens? you are now at risk of being CRUSHED> ouch. so? what is there to do? be lonely and friendless, or run the risk of being stomped on. man what a fun choice.

i know there’s more, on either side, good or bad, but i just thought of these today as i walk down the hall and gawk at my peers.

just had a nice talk with someone i wouldn’t of dreamed having that talk with ealier in my life. got out some things we both had thought, but were to stupid to say. and in turn, *hopefully* side stepped some uncomfortable confontations. so, i guess this post is just to say, once again, if there is tension now, I WILL strangle you. Not becasue you said it, but because you let it get in the way. k?

well, night all. i have to take a bath, then sleep for theater tomorrow..:) later

was talking to someone and they said ” i know i was being a bitch, but he understands…”
and i realized that we do that. we take the people closest to us for granted.

Yet we are usually overly nice to strangers.
A lady about my sisters age bumps into me, knocking a book out of my hands, and just turns slightly “sorry” and keeps on going. “IT”S OKAY ” i yell…
Chance does the same thing, and stops to help me pick up things, and all i do if get huffy and be mad.

See what i mean?

Or even better, we go out of our way to help someone who seems down, or is in a bad situation, yet if a friend calls us, and they just want to complain about their day, we cut them off to go do dishes, and don’t give it another thought.

Realized today what a horrible friend i am. I’m the same way in relationships too. Lately my excuse for being single is that i am to selfish for a conversation, let alone a relationship.

maybe this changes with age. Or maybe how i am now is how i’ll be forever…….

~~~~
on a different note, had a dream today i turned into a stick bug. It wasn’t like a
bad “fly” kind of deal. I just turned into a stick bug. Do you even have them up here? I know they are everywhere in the south….

so ya. what does THAT mean??

POINT: it would be nice to have a point somedays. On days like today, i just float. I don’t know if i comprehended a single thing today. i feel used and content with that.

all day today people asked me if i was okay. as if they could see my demons when i looked them in the eye. I’m just trying to live day to day, yet here i am, hashing over the past with people i just want to shock. it is all over rated i guess.

Life is a B rated movie
it’s stupid and strange
a directionless story
and the dialogue is lame
but in the HE SAID SHE SAID
sometimes there’s a little poetry
if you turn your back long enough

a monologue
more ice cream
someone to lye in my fort with me
to go HOME
a CAR to go HOME
more clothes
less clothes
8×12 paper
fingernail polish remover
a thick black sweater
to think more and cry less
to cry more and think less
a show about my life, except in cartoon
with a sheep

I’m still at lisa’s, watching tv. Found stuff by ani difranco that could be a monologue. God i love her.

woke up this morning at 8:15, everyone was asleep, started waking everyone up, and they all colectivly yelled at me. It’s a snow day and no one bothered to tell me. URG

so i fell asleep on the couch, and just woke back up.

plans for the day:

build a fort out of blankets
watch cartoons from it
eat some more ice cream, with fruit loops on top
find a monologue
wash some clothes
get home at some point
play this new 12 string lisa’s dad got
read
sleep

i love having a list of things to do that i WANT to do.

woke up at 9, to call lisa, woke her up, made sure i could get a ride to work at one, watched a retarded movie (touch) and then part of an okay movie (hurrricane) when jay came by, and took me to lisa’s. Ate some super bowl food, went to work, sat around there, came back to lisa’s. ate the end of the superbowl food, watched survivor, and now i’m singing ani difranco and eating ice cream.

so all in all a boring, useless day, but i made 15 dollors in tips, and considering we only had .. 7? customers all day, and sheryl hogged most of them, i did okay.

I think i’ll go take a shower, talk to lisa, and then get a good nights sleep to get ready for my new classes.

later

pine street theater

the roxy

coffee TIME, not coffee PEOPLE, my mistake…

brody theater

momus

sorry, nothing on klub z, know you are all diappionted

ryan’s page not a part of why my weekend has been cool, but figured i might as well link it.

i had forgot what it was like to have a life. interesting. BUT MY FEET HURT.

just got in from a girlie night with nicole. we went to an improv show, which was hilarious. it was long form, and based on our suggestions. anyone that would like to go on fridays or saturdays, call me (427-4694) or hell, just grab me when you see me. they atart at 8, and are at the brody theater, and well worth the 8 dollor admission. MY THEATER JUNKIES: extra points?

speaking of, can’t wait for monday. for many many reasons. :!

well, after that we went to coffee people on 21st. a fun place when there arn’t as many people. little rooms off to the side with murals on the walls, and leather sofa’s. aaaaa. relax with coffee, and a little cup of cold milk.

Ever been to ROXY? i must admit it was my first time, but not my last. bad fries, good ice cream, cute waiters, and they played butt trumpets. what more could i ask?

AND THEN (it’s 1 by this time) we decided to find KLUB Z, and go dancing. I doubt anyone i know has been there before, since it is a gay club…:) WAIT! don’t get to worried. it’s just a really fun place, the guys are polite, and no one crawls all over you if you don’t want them to. Plus, they play better music.

Nicole and i took pictures of our night, which i will put on my page if i ever get around to publishing it. will have to be at geocities i guess…:/

anything else? oh, parker, i got a message that you called. hope i didn’t miss anything to good. !!! I found lots of stuff on momus in THE STRANGER. will post those to, someday.

wanta make plans for next weekend?? i like having a life again.