The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

lying in the bathtub,reading walt whitman, thinking…

i avoid people who boost my ego, because idonot believe they are telling me the truth.
I avoid people who tell me the truth because they hurt my ego.

It makes sense that it should feel just this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matter in such an invisible way
As if to say: It’s O.K.
Fly…away
-poe

i remember being 6 or 7 and running around the yard withmy sister,catching lighting bugs to put into jars, to save as nightlights. i can see our bare feet barely touching the ground as we spinted with our hands clasped around another dim light.” i’ve got one i got one!” we’d giggle, their little feet tickling our palms.
i see this as my innocence. and waking up in the moring and crying because they had all died as my knowledge.
somedays iwish to catch fireflies.somedays i wish to let them allgofree. somedays i forget about them entirely.

off to work

tee shirts- ordered
program- done

at my sis’s… tired and .. tired. feeling fake, like i am plastic, and i could never change.

happy marie calls then lightning bugs, not fireflies. ang had me convinced i was alone.

no she says, and then busts into tears.

and nothing is, except i am tired. of being exsausted. of being so busy. of my car. of boys. of having to always be the one. to work, to comfort, to smile.

i am so ready to give up.

i am so angry someone can make me hate something i used to love.

i am so sad i can not stop. fighting, giving, working, hoping.

i just need to sleep. to pray. to get these things done so they do not weigh on me.

it’s almost to bad we didn’t get pulled over so we could use that… we tryed though.

home, or at school anyways. TIRED, almost slept in the car, but angie took pictures of my big fat face drooling….
ate to many peices of taffy, and poptarts. my teeth hurt. my stomach hurts. my head hurts. my abs hurt from laughing like idiots.

oh, and my throught is really starting to bother me. on tuesday i woke up and i could not talk. now, i can talk, but it hurts. *worried* how many days till show? oh yes, THREE. please god don’t let my have to wisper all my lines. eak.

but why am i whinning? i am soooo glad we went. woo for not being able to really say what we did.. *realizes that sounds weird..* I mean, people ask what we did at the beach, and i stop, and i think, and it was really just alot of laughing and driving and eating. they all expect some big story i guess, but it was relaxing and silly, and exsactly how it should of been. even if we had to throw away out clay figures.

so nic is going to run me to the falls after school, we are going to try and jump my car,… then back for rehersal. i wish i had time to stay and work on the paper, or the program, but oh well.

work tomorrow.

rehersal friday.

show saturday.

chance: heard from mom?

so much to say: \\
at the beach, staying with angie. wunder full days.
got here at 1:30 or so last night, after a rehersal i wanted to kill during, and my car breaking down at the falls (chance, do you think tomorrow brandon may take me and try to get it started after he comes home??).

couldn’t sleep, though this house and place is wonderful, so i started to take a walk 3 blocks down to the beach in the middle of the night, but got half way there, and dropped angies camera. and it started to rain. I yelled obsenities into the night, and ran home. laughed myself to sleep.

woke up, at a bagel, went to town and played. walked on the beach, dreamed of living here my entire life.

~~~

at the public library now, chewing on the end of a sweater string that is not mine, with 42 minutes left on the comp. woo

there is a sign: print only what you need. So conservitive, so scared- so right and just. part of me wants to print 800 copies of something i just want. but i know better.
growing up is a pain, because you start to know better.

it makes me very … scared? angry? sad? that the show is in 4 days. i want to be optimistic, but i do not know. i always feel like this, yes, but it makes me sad that it is the end of the year, and there is almost no bond in our company. to many small bonds, so little in common. we don’t even all want this to work it seems. so sad.

but now is not the time to be sad. now is the time to.. type and then maybe go take a nap. we did not sleep much last night, so we’re both in a weird state of mind. “i think you’re high…’

had a dream my dad was scared of jearmy O. the other day. weird stuff…..

i have never saw a movie that made me lay in bed after seeing it and cry and kick the walls, until i sat and watched requiem last night. The first time i saw it, i cryed when marion asks him tocome home, butlast night i cryed through half of it, quietly,lying on the floor…. I think it’s because i have read the book and know the characters sowell… but it just amazes me that a movie, a book, smething FAKE, can hit me that hard.

i recomend this movie toanyone, though it is quite grapic. sex, drugs, violence… anything you would be warry of in in this movie…

it’s at main street.

PS i pity the person who gets hung upon my typos…..

i didn’t get out of work till 9 somehting. fuck. i hurt. my arms are either bruised up or just tweeked, cause the outside bones in my forarms both are killingme. plus, i got amonia on my toes, and that sucks. makes my feet ache.which they doanyways, from walking all day.

i like my job though. why?i donot know. we shallsee i suppose.

i feel kind of numb today- emotionless. interesting.

i want sobadly to be doing somehting right now, other than typing and waiting togotobed.

6 days tillshow.
13 days tillgraduation
-54 days since i should of decided what i am doing in the fall.

i am felliing fantinish.

work was fast fast fast..

gonna be fun though ithink.

supposed to gocamp with lisa..noone told me where it is though… piss… so i need to see if my dad is down or what.

work tomorrow at 12.]

gonna swimbefore that,.

need to eat soon.anything but hotdogs.

anyone know where i can get a good fake id? funny, because i don’t want it so i can go drink, but so i can get into clubs that they do slam poetry. get back to me on this PLEASE.