The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

i have this weird phobia that my web cam is set up to stream to somewhere and i do not know it. it points at the wall unless i turn it.

and whats’s great, is they are named IVY

BACK IN OUR TOWN

Back in our town
you were the only one who really knew me.
Laughing out loud.
We always knew you could see through me.

Everything is all right.
Everything is all right.

Under the sun whispering foolish things,
you could really hear me.
You were the one —
the only one I would let near me.

Everything is all right.
Everything is all right.
Everything is all right.

And here I go.
Nobody knows.
And here I go.
Nobody knows.

I want to free a part of you.
I want to see the start of you.
I want to free a part of you.
And here I go — nobody knows.
I want to see the start of you.
And here I go — nobody knows.
Back in our town
you were the only one who really knew me.

reading angies book from camp made me excited for TOM fest. No matter what you think, i do rely on god. i pray every night. did you know that? i wisper little prayers in my car. And i miss so much being surrounded by people who brought that out in me.

i saw a tibetian monk at work today. he didn’t speak english, but wanted an ice cream. chris didn’t understand, and since he always has trouble with forigners, i took over, then realized who it was. I got him his ice cream, (after he did little licking motions) and he smiled at me.
i smiled back and he took my hand when i was giving him his change and looked at me. really looked at me. and while i hve no idea why, or what he ment by it, i got that weird calm excitment. i’ve always admired buddists, and after reading alot of the dalai lama’s writings, and t.l. rampar’s books, i found a place i can sink into. A view of a god i know.

am i buddist? no. am i babtist? no. do i know god? yes. did a monk smile at me today? yes.

i am happy.

today, my manager chad and i were talking, and somehow we came up with the question of what do you look for in a relationship. well, he’s getting married this month, so he just answered his fiance, but i thought about it, and came up with something along the lines of:

“i want someone that is not just a temporary fix. I am not proud of alot of things i have done, but know that i have done most out of loneliness… and that is what i find myself grasping for. something to take that away for maybe just a moment. but what i really want? Someone who can make me feel like i do not ned to do this- i know i will never get rid of loniliness, but it would be nice to know there is someone who wants to take it away. for a long time.”

later i was talking to a girl i barely know about high school relationships, and i realize i missed out on something there. someone told me the other day that i am lucky i am not involved, becuase it is hard to know you will be so far away so soon. But really? i wonder. Did i throw away chances? Am i really so damaged by the realitionships i have seen around me (mostly my parents and their multiple marriges) that i take it all so lghtly and do not let anyone that close? Will college change this?
tara my tarot card friend said love will never be easy for me until i let it be. i think this was just her knowing me, not reading anything but my history.

*deep sigh* i nearly cried in the post office today. a woman saw me leaning on the table, reading the letter, and asked if i was okay. i smiled like an idiot, and told her i was going to college.

I AM GOING TO COLLEGE. * insert happy tears*

so worked up about this all day. *happy dance happy dance* and what makes it better is that all the people i desperately wanted to get it (angie, marina, luke, …) GOT IT TOO> thank god for bill gates. i cut a picture of him out of the paper and made a button that said “sugar daddy”. mark made me take it off, but hell. Didn’t phase me.

*fairy dust and starshine*

things to do:

clean house
laundry
eat
decorate notebook
lay out and look at the stars.

so i am thinking today about what will happen if i don’t get the scholorship. i won’t go to college. how scary is that? it’s like i said before, i can’t imagine staying here now that my mind is made up.

so i am scared.

today is so crappy. work was stupid, i had to clean out the ice cream machines, so i didn’t get any tips, which i live off of. I am supposed to get paid more, so it doesn’t matter, but since i don’t, it does.

i can’t stay here next year. if i don’t get the gates i am going to oklahoma i think. do the indian thing i suppose for a year, get my ass in gear, get other scholorships. really i did this to myself. if i had applied to more, it would be okay. but i waited until the last minute, and only applied to this one.

what the hell. i can’t deal with this.

oh. and i had a mild panic attack at work today. ????????????? i know. just suddenly i couldn’t breathe, and i was shaking, and chad, our manager who is in medical school during the school year, got me into the back and helped me calm down. I didn’t want to be crying in the walkin of the falls snack bar, but guess where i ended up? god it was scarry. and i have no idea why it happened. Chad said it comes from stress alot of the time.

and now? i don’t know. i’m gonna go watch the shadows from the hill above the highway i think.

*this is me, shaking again.*

sitting here, listening to the gorillaz track 8, and getting lost in it.

have work today at one. god i don’t want to go. i want to lay here in bed and sleep. or maybe eat something. or read harry potter. fuck it. anything but work.
there is a point into every job i have that i realize that some one is paying my money, which ruins people, for my life. and i sit, thinking ” do i really need the 7 dollors from next hour? whay would i spend it on?” and i can never come up with anything. so it is HARD for me to get up and go today.

but alas, i better get around. have to clean the house a little before. had a dream angie came home today, and hated me for drinking her soda. uh oh

p.s. i hate taking showers with short hair. i use way to much shampoo and conditioner.

and the only people who noticed were girls at work. *le sigh* I CUT 3 INCHES OFF PEOPLE.
geez

fuck you marty and your drunk ass typing on my journal