The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

staying with a long lost cousin, playing with her baby… she;s said i can stay here as long as i need to, which is cool. i still hate mooching off people though.

i realized today my idea of ‘good looking’ is different from other people… at least here. sat and pointed out people with a couple girls, and they think i am crazy. oh well. it’s like i told my sister – “i go for the underdog cause no one else is, and i can get them”… may not be the best motto with men, eh?

i may not stay here for to long. to much chaos it sems. i just want my mom to get out of the hospital, and go live at her house with her. but until i have a car, i can’t go that far everynight…
blah blah blah.

i can not imagine being 18 with a kid and a ass hole boyfriend and a mom who ( i dearly love,but) is a bit of a flake….

so yeah. just letting youknow what’s up, and that i am stillalive.

only saw my mom for a minute today. she slept alot and seemed really there when i DID get to see her. woo!

occasionally, out of no where, the sentence “i want a man who _______” runs through my mind, a throw back of the days that i had a running list of all the things required of my perfect man written on my walls….

today i thought “i want a man who sings in the shower, and thinks it’s cute when i do.”

~~~
also – got an email today :
“SUBJ:intentional disharmonization of toothpaste

tamber allsbury”

and if i didn’t know who it came from, i would of been scared. good ol’ steve. wish i had got this – oh – a month or two ago……

there are some moments in your life that you just want to forget because your skin crawls and your whole body just feels like you are being turned inside out and picked at with cold chopsticks….

*weirded out*

not much changes in my day to day lately. alot of magazine reading, and holding hands.. cafeteria food and trying to get ahold of people. alot like college, except not.

i have been snapping at people and just plain ignoring them. i am doing my best, but.. i love my family, but i am tired. not so much physicly as emotionally. and it is hard to deal with them being.. them. loud, crude, argumentitive…. they laugh to loud, they pick at the littlest things, they always find a way to make me feel like i am 6. and normally, i am can deal with this, even like it. but right now, i just can not. i sat in the other waiting room for alot of today.. sat in the car…

also it makes it feel further away, when i don’t hear my father talking about it, or see my aunt crying.
i don’t feel like i have to explain how i am feeling if i do not join in the discussion. but with my family, you do not join in, you are drug by your feet.

my package got here today, the one i sent on friday. i opened it for her, and she smiled. god i love seeing her smile. but you can tell it takes so much out of her.

and i know she does not want us, expecially my brother, to see her like this.
only humans, on our death beds, are vain.
but i understand.
truely, i wonder if she wouldn’t of just rather died. No, i am not being morbid. just that she has always wanted everyone else to be happy before herself, and it hurts her to know that we were all so worried, and that it WILL happen again.
parents die.
some just sooner than others.

and it kills me to watch my father light his cigars.
i told them both a long time ago, after a bout of “why are you smoking??” “don’t yell at me, i’m your parent” that i do not yell at them to be mean, just that i want my kids to have their grandparents…

i wish i hadn’t been so right.

wow that hurts.
my brother was born a little while after my grandma tillie died. i was 5, but i remember so much about her. i always forget he never knew her, and start a story, expecting him to say “and do you remember the time she…” and i catch a glipse of his regret in not knowing her…

she was nearly 80 then. she was born in 1907. was 40 some when my father was born. she was old. sick, but old. all of her kids had families and lives. such an amazing and strong woman, but she had lived a full life. i am so glad i got to know her. she left such an impression on my life.

my mother is 42 now.

my sister is naming her next son ean reed quest. reed was my mothers madien name. she wants him to have a part of her with him.
i think of how i can do this – bring my mother into my childrens life.
letters and memories and old snapshots of her playing guitar.

how can they ever know how amazing she is?

they can not. and that is hard.

but for now, i need to deal with the things at hand. and for now, that is getting her out of ICU, so we can be sure what we are up against with the cancer.

one thing at a time, one step, one day, one breathe.
please god grant us another.

okay gang, just on here for a sec

in oklahoma, got here at 4 this morning…. that’s 36 hours… still havn’t slept. somehow doubt i will.

my mom’s doing better, they say. she’s doing 45% of her breathing, but she’s still unconscience, and it’s hard to watch. but i have sat all day and held her hand, talked to her. it breaks my heart to leave her when no one else is in the room. they say she can hear us, just not react. she must know when she is alone, with the machines and the nurses….

it’s sinking in that i just quit school.
this scares me, but in comparision, i know it does not matter at all.

they gave her 3 monthes in the first place.
i should be here.

i miss you so much… knowing i will not see you again for a while. and if you ask your self “me?” ….. you get the drill.

so i suppose i will go lay down now. watch the ceiling, wait for a call, pray it does not come, but wait still the same.

i will post again when i have a min, and a computer. just know i am as well as i can be, and i love you.

telling my father that the woman he has always loved is dying may of been the hardest thing yet.

this is what i seriously see happening:

i do not think i am going to go back to school. if i go to oklahoma, which i AM, i will miss enough school one way or another to mess up all the classes i am taking now… if i drop them now they do not go down as fails, which they will if i wait a couple more weeks…
i plan to go out to OK, with my bro, very soon. even if my mother does not die soon, i want to be there to help her through all of this. my sister is pregnant, and has a year old… my brother is 13 and needs to be in school.. one of us needs to be there.

college can wait.

when things calm down, i do see myself going back to school… just maybe start with community college (here or there), … i can’t see being far away from my family again.

if nothing else, this has shown me how important your family is.

i want to help. i want to sit and make my brother laugh, becuase he, like me, can forget pain when it is drowned by laughter. i want to help my father understand.. he, like we all have been, is walking around in shock. he has never loved anyone like he has loved my mother; he has told me many times that he knows she was the one, and that he massed it all up. I wish she knew this. that he is sorry. and somehow, i think she does. I want to help my sister, who is so brave, who held her hand today and talked to dr.s. I cleaned her house today, just because i did not know what else to do.

i want to help my mother. but that is the one person i know i cannot. all i can do is pray. and very soon, i will be there, to watch her sleep, and to remind her that she is loved.

so this is how it will be. i may come back next week – get everything in order – pack and say goodbyes….

i just have to convince myself.

home.

so nice to be here with my brother.

things are the same wiith my mom, but my sisters there with her now, so i hope that will help.

will be on here later i am sure

thank you for all of your prayers.

go tell your mom you love her.

JUST SO YOU KNOW – I AM CONDENCING ALL OF TODAY INTO ONE POST – TIRED OF LITTERING LJ LAND – aaa.. didn’t mean to be yelling…

so don’t get scared if a post just disappeared – it’ll be back….

went down, checked my mail –

a letter from my mom, she sent about a week ago
and a check for $450 from my last paycheck at the falls.

i cryed waiting for the elavator, knowing what would be in the letter – my mothers optimism, her assurance that everything would be fine –

“don’t be afraid, go ahead and close your eyes real tight and go into outer space now and then; somehow it makes the world seem smaller, and gives us more of a oneness with all around us….”

check on the internet for me – i’m sure you all know places i don’t – for tickets, spokane to tulsa OK, … or just send me the url…

i can’t not go.