The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

i personaly do not think the name tillie jean, or matilda jean, is all that bad.

The medium, strong, happy, laughing, sits in the sun, her daughter beside her, her dog, at her feet. She can look with compassion into the eyes and hearts of all who seek her help. And with true feeling for their hurts and for their pains, can say,

written by me last night:
i feel as though i am a ship that has lost it’s
harbor, and most of it’s crew. so i have taken
the wheel, only to realize i will never
be free from the storm, and the winds that
beat me to the deck, losing hold of the wheel..
maybe i am the ship.
or even the storm.

heard on the radio today, causing me to pull over and sob
There’s a ship out, on the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It’s been tossed about, lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow you know that ship is me

‘Cause there’s a lighthouse, in the harbor
Shining faithfully
Pouring its light out, across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again

There’s a moment we all come to
In our own time and our own space
Where all that we’ve done, we can undo
If our heart’s in the right place

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again
And again I see my yesterday’s in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
You’re changing all that is and used to be

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again

When you come back to me again

‘home’ from my grandpa’s. once again, i feel homeless in that ‘my stuff is scattered over 4 states’ kinda way. but i will live.

thanksgiving was… thanksgiving. got through the token family fight, was the only one who eats cranberry sauce, helped put up the tree, cryed. cryed. cryed. but my family loves me enough to know it is better to let me cry than try to comfrt me and get me to stop. either that or they were scared. *shrug* either way….

started a journal, a real journal, about my mom. realized i am keeping in alot of things that are making me crazy, so i took the journal i made her that she never got to fill, and wrote all the things that hurt.
and i don’t KNOW if it helps, but heck.at least ths way, when they take me into the shrink, they can say “here, this is why she is nuts”

anyone who knows me, i mean really KNOWS me, knows i am not the most stable prson. sometimes i seriously do question my own .. sanity? no .perspective. yeah, that and my decision making skills.
and while i have not let myself fall into the depression that is looming so heavily above, i can feel my grip on the rest of it slipping.

this mostly has to do with the fact that i can not believe she is gone. i must tell myslf a dozen times a day that she is not going to walk in the door. and no matter how many people tell me this is normal, nothing about grief is normal, and i can understand how is has drove people nuts…..

i miss you all so much.

i have cryed so much today i feel ill.

i am soo sorry i am not there chancie to .. i don’t know. just to be there. i love you and i am so sorry life just keeps on hitting you. know that i love you and ean, no matter what.

went through so much of my moms stuff today. found notes she had wrote, little things that remind me that a week ago, she was here. a month ago she was home, playing in her crafts.

hung up with my dad and cryed becuase i miss him and luke and eli and all of my family so much. i just want to curl up in sheepie blanket, and stay there.

but i ‘keep on keeping on’ because i have no other choice.

i am going to my grandpa’s for a couple days.
thanksgiving and all.
so call here and get the # if you need to call. and if you don’t have the # here… well.. your outa luck.

las night i drempt that i spoke at my little brothers graduation.

and now i really want to be famous, just for that reason.

stages of grief –

denial
anger
guilt
depression
acceptance

i think of a friend who had lost cousins, and us sitting on the stairs of my house, her crying, and me not knowing what to say to her.

thank you all for sticking by me when i can not stand by myself. i know it is not easy to be supportive of someone in this kind of situation – you don’t know what to say,there is nothing you can do – but i thank god for you every night.

i hate knowing i am not okay, but not being able to do anything about it.

makes no sence. should i explain?

for the last two days, i can’t thnk about my mom. every time i do, i feel a panic attack coming on, so i stop. i think about mindless things like movis and babies and driving for miles on road here without ever turning th wheel…..

and even right now my heart is beating out ofmy chest and it feels more like anger than anything.
but i don’t want to be angry.

i am going to go over and go through her stuff. i have a month. better get over this, cause otherwize this next month could very really kill me.

marina – remember how last night we were talking about the band philmore?

you won’t believe who is coming to tulsa on the 24th.

weird.

just got in the car and left earlier.. drove around for an hour, ended up here
http://www.gilcrease.org/5download.html

i never feel more alone than when i am surrounded by beauty and there is no one there to share it with.