The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

somedays i feel like i am 32. wake up, make breakfast, send boy off to work, clean up around the house, cook something for lunch, have lunch with boy, do some laundry, take a nap, get the kid (well, my bro) make a snack, entertain him, welcome boy home, make dinner, do dishes, put kid to sleep (well, my dad came and got him) then snuggle up on the couch…

lots of other stuff, but just illustrating the point that my bro made earlier that i don’t seem much like a college kid today. *shrug*

angry at my dad – because i see him being the same over domenering father he was with me, with my bro. *sigh*

blah blah gonna get off the comp.

you leave for work, and kiss me on the forehead. “i will be home later baby doll” you tell me, and even in my half awake state, i smile at being called baby doll. So very very sappy – so very very not ivory… makes me so very very happy. “will you be here when i get home?” you ask, and i open my eyes and nod, and you kiss me again. “leave. you are going to be late.” i say, your hand still on my cheek. you nod, and turn to go. “hey wait..” i laugh, sitting up in bed, swinging my feet over, still so very far off the floor. “one more for the road?” you ask, and i smile, and nod. you come over and kiss me again – one of those kisses that are ment to last until i see you again. 8 hours i can last i think. but after sunday – i do not think those kisses last as long as we will need them too….

The kitty loaf shall
invade Livejournal!
Long Live Kitty Loaf!

*sob*

i know no one is perfect but sometimes, even when you suspect they are not, it hurts SOOO much to realize, beyond a doubt, that they are not.

at moments like these i feel so young. like i’m giong to walk in there and be 5 again, trying to act like i know what i am talking about. except now i do. and it is breaking my heart.

must get up
must eat
must take pill
must get dressed and make this day a good one.

stayed at ang’s new house last night. seems so very weird to be laying in her new room, staring at the ceiling, talking about things i would never say to anyone else in a room that is not the one i have known forever… (well, a year or something). ‘what are we doing in DUFUR?” we ask.
maybe starting over.

wrote in my little book about new chapters…. one without my mom. in a real relationship. fighting a battle it is not up to me to win.
i feel grown up and still so helpless. I think that is the biggest shock about growing up – we will never be as confident as we thought our parents were. It’s like, the day after your birhtday, when everyone asks ‘so, how does it feel to be a year older?” I feel like i have always felt. and i’m starting to think that is not going to change. of course, looking back, we scoff, saying “i was so nieve, so innocent, so very young…”

and i was. and i am. and i think i always will be.

if you found out today that you have very little chance of ever being able to have children, and that with every year that passes that chance goes down drasticly, would you have children today?

i keep having this dream that i have a baby… that he has light hair and green eyes and that he is my world. i wake up and look for him. and then i lay back down, and think about how scarry life is, and wondering where i go from here.

as a good friend pointed out to me, and i realize i have written in the paper journal many times – maybe there is a reason god made it so that i want to adopt children so badly. maybe he knows what he is doing. and maybe i need to just give it over to him. no, not maybe. definatly.

(*note- i know you do not understand. there are alot of things that go along withthis that i do not feel like saying, other than that i do not know anything, but am living out the possibilities so that if it comes to that, i will not be shocked…..*)

why am i writing this in LJ?

thank you god.

the scariest, worst feeling ever is sitting in the examination room, watching the door close, and then having to tell yourself “i am not going to cry. i am not going to cry. i am not going to cry. ”

things. are. hard.

but i do have my bright spots.

going home tomorrow, on a bus. 10 hours and a transfer in seattle. lots of time spent alone, with someone. already took two of my finals, one more tomorrow. got a rebate check today from the school – money which i desperatly need, plus, it means that my financial aid is all figured out and that 2 grand i owed the school is taken care of. think things are going to be okay.

if only somone would tell my body things can not be bad right now. i am to happy to be sick.

so yeah, i have not written in .. 2 days? that MAY be a record…

not alot to write about – i am happy and that is what is important.
so be happy for me.