The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

i turn my eyes away from the sun
and take note of the way
the horizion has changed.

so yes, if you stalk me you know i should be at work right now… am i? well, technicly yes… there just happens to be no broken over head projectors in my room. my mistake…

so tempted to..do alot of things. number one skip work all together and run away to angies. *pondering* …. *sigh* no, but damn it, if i were a bad kid….

i want to catch the 4:35 bus, so i should go, at least appear to be productive. the story of my life…

…
(i am elipsis happy….)

things
are.

they just are.
you want to change it? here. have my life, have fun. if you can figure it out, you deserve it.

*watching the sky grow lighter* i am going to 2 of my classes today even if it kills me (it just may). i am deliberating sleeping at all – it’s always so much harder to get up than to stay up. so if anyone is awake, call me. we can walk. maybe not talk, but walking is good.

*looking at my math bok*
*looking at pete, staring at me*
*searching for the promised cookie dough in this ice cream*

maybe the crazy blanket IS a good idea.

i hate school and school related things, and anything to do with education or grades, books, numbers, people…

grrr.

drinking on a monday sounds like the best idea ever. too bad i gave away the worst beer in the world… because, i swear, there was just a midget on tv..

Written in about 5 minutes for class, but by far one of my favorite poems so far.. going to work on it more…

Midnight in my Mother’s Garden

10:39 –
well, an hour and a half later, with no ice cream, car, or stars, i come in from the cold and print out the 4 pages i have just typed outside – and then promptly throw them away. “what was that?’ the roommate asks, and i laugh, and start to explain what i have been thinking, all the crazy dreams i have been having, laying here staring at the ceiling all day. how quickly things, people, emotions,

ammended –

2 and a half hours later, after watching russ eat an entire tub of B&J ice cream (other than those pesky globs of cookie dough) driving around, and looking for stars, i come in from the cold (hands anyways) and pull the pages out of the trash, and reread them.

people, things, emotions, expectations, life in general just won’t hold still long enough for me to understand. reading back a year ago, wondering.. alot of things.

the next person to show up at my room with ice cream gets… *looks around her room* .. okay, nothing of value, but i will be soo happy…

it is seriously rediculous that it is 9 at night on a sunday and i have not started my homework. even more so that i took a shower at 7, got dressed at 8, and have just now bothered to eat.

i wish i had a car to go drive around, find something (in myself?) that is beautiful and worth searching for – i want to drive to this song and wait for the stars to come out…

i don’t want to do this homework.

doubt – n. A lack of certainty that often leads to irresolution

sometimes i do not understand myself.

and then my dreams kick me in the ass, and make me realize..alot of things.