The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

someday soon i will be able to explain things, and maybe, i pray, things will be alright. but right now, i can’t even bring myself to face some things, and i am sorry that i can’t really let anyone in.

i’m tired

of so much. that i have no power over. my emotions, my body, the people around me, the things i can’t do, the things i shouldn’t of done. life goes on, we just have to find the right paths.

so it’s somehow possible to be scared out of your wit and excited at the same time.

ps – friends who drive hours in the pouring rain to come be with you and talk = the best.

This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It’s raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one’s around

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by
And I don’t have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And I get no answers
And I don’t get no change
It’s raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

There’s things I remember and things I forget
I miss you
I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train
If I listen real hard
And I wish it was a small world
Because I’m lonely for the big towns
I’d like to hear a little guitar
I think it’s time to put the top down

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat

woke up coughing about 2345863456 times last night. dane is learning to sleep through it, and i wish i could. in between coughs i had a dream that i was taking my kid through a huge cement dinosaur and we got lost from the tour, and ended up sitting in the dinosaurs mouth. *shrug* it was in utah, if that helps.

what i wouldn’t give for a car, a tank full of gas, and enough car tapes to make it to spokane.

just in case there is any doubt, i miss you.

alot.

today i woke up and the cat (who doesn’t really care for me) was asleep on me, and the dog, (who i think really really doesn’t like me) was licking my hand. i woke dane up to show him, and he laughed at me, rolled over, and went back to sleep. i think i may of actually made it in this house, when the animals decide they don’t hate me.

i don’t know what we are actually going to do today. i think going all the way to his mom;s is out (she lives about 2 hours away) and he has plans (get this) to hang out with MY FAMILY later tonight. (” you can come too.”). *shrug* so i guess we are left with going and buying little cheep pink rafts and laying out on the lake. doesn’t sound all that bad, as long as the weather stays nice. it’s been so hot here, i hate it. can’t deal.
okay, maybe i can. but i don’t like it.

your almost as cool as the other side of the pillow.

so i am addicted to this “american idol” show. i just thought i would admit this, and ace of base, are my guilty pleasures.

okay, not ace of base, though i know someone who does own the cd. *jealous*

(ps – my sis got home i hear, and while it’s not appedicitis, she is still very very sick. for those who pray, please do. )

“well, i was sitting in the hammock (we have one in the yard)
thinking about my moms hammock, and laying in it with her, talking about the future
thinking about my mom, and all the things i wish she knew
thinking about her letters, and the way she always made a point to let me know she was proud of me
thinking about all the things she is going to miss out on
and how much i am going to need her here
thinking about my sister, upset at the idea that she could be very sick
thinking about my sisters kids
thinking about my kids
thinking about my kids not having a “nana”
ans i am thinking about my future, and how much different it is from the one my mom and i planned out last time i sat in her hammock…”

*sigh*
so crying because your brother in law is mean, is dumb.
and being smart enough to realize it’s not really him being a jerk that made you cry, is even dumber.

sitting here eating german chocolate cake, reading a bunch of letters from my mom i found in a box, wishing my hormones would slow the fuck down, so that i could decide whether or not to be happy or not. my sister is at the hospital right now, because they wanted to do ultrasounds on her appendix (she has been so sick for about a week) and i was over at her house all day taking care of the babies and cleaning… hope brandon won’t be dumb and not call me when he gets any news, just because we got into a spat. blah

dane doesn’t have work tomorrow, and i think we are going to go see his family, which will be a nice change. i have been sick off and on the last couple days, and so the plan tonight is just for me to rest and try to gain control of my emotions… i got two new dresses. not connected to anything, but it amkes me feel better.

gone