The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

hmm what to say?

got a job (little mexican place here in town, though i don’t really like mexican food and in turn, don’t know 1. how to say the dishs, or 2. whats in them.)
playing alot of final fantasy X (because i am a dork)
very very happily in love (again, because i am a dork, but a dork in love is 39457 times better)
been being a very good girl (no drugs/alcohol etc)
except that one night (which i paid dearly for the next day)
kinda worried about september 23rd (leaving family/possible dane)
but very very excited to go home

so basicly, yeah, life. not that exciting, and there was a time when i could of made it at least more interesting than that, (maybe check this time last year. same stuff, more words) but for now, yes i am alive. a hermit, but alive.

lost the phone outside the other day, it was abused and now half the buttons don’t work all the time… i want to call you and you, but can’t, since vital numbers are bunk…

but you can call me. i am worried about both of you. i miss you.

there is a point, where you realize that your parents arn’t perfect, and you start talking to them on more of a friend level.

but what happens when you realize your parents arn’t the kind of people you want to be friends with?

well, you fight. alot. and cry. even more. and you sit and listen to all the reasons you should still love them, and can’t seem to explain to them that you DO love them. and that is why it hurts SO DAMN MUCH to watch them kill any relationship you could of had. becasue the thing is, they won’t change. they can’t. they were always this way, you just were to young, and blinded by admiration to see it. but now you are older, and you have standards set, and suddenly, with your adult glasses, you realize they don’t reach those standards.

i don’t know where to go from here. Do i act like it is okay, for the sake of their sanity, since knowing your child looks down on you would kill them? or do i try to make them understand, knowing that they never will never be able to see it from my perspective? or, though i know i can’t, do i just give up?

sometimes i want to. just turn around, and walk away from the drugs, the countless months of not hearing from him, the lies, the broken promises. i want him to know what it feels like to mourn for someone who could be in your life if they would only try.

but even more, i just want it to be okay.
i just want my broken trust, my bruised heart, my scattered childhood.. i just want them to be okay. i want him to be okay. i want him to be happy.

there comes a point where you realize your parents are human, and they make mistakes. but they also have to realize that it takes a long time for some wounds to heal.

i feel emotionaly sick.

and to make it all worse, lj just told me my password is to easy to guess. i think it is lying. come on kids, what do you think my password is? (if you KNOW, don’t say. )

god i hate this town. seriously. i am so sick of skamania county. i wish i could just move back to spokane and forget this place. of course, i would have to take a couple people with me, but not many.

i feel like i just keep on having to pick up the pieces.
i am just tired.

well, number one, this is my cool link of the year.

number 2, since i won’t have real internet (not even stolen internet) soon, i thought i should let all you who actually read this know that my LJ may be on hiatus. i will read when i can, but who knows if i will update. but oh don’t you worry. i am sure once i get back to school you will be sick of my posting…

number 3, incase you NEED ME, my addy is po box 1182 stevenson wa 98648.

oh, and before i forget, fuck you depression.

ivory’s life, at a glance-

wake up at around noon
check phone messages (i can sleep through anything anymore)
get out of bed
see who is sleeping on the couch/orange room/hammock
scrounge for food
settle for coffee
check email, LJ
get dane out of bed
take a bath (we don’t have a shower)
clean
go see sister
usually swim some
come home
see dane off to work
clean more
hang out with who ever stops by
play baulers gate ( i am addicted to this game)
do some laundry
wait for dane to get home
eat what ever dane brings me
either go to a friends or they come over here
eventually (usually around 2 or 3) go to sleep.

add into this equation alot of alcohol (not on my part, i don’t drink alot anymore) and the occasional crazy drama, and that is my life.
wooo.

14 things to brighten up your day-

1. focus on your senses. research shows that focusing on pure sensations help jolt depressed people out of their funk.
2. change your thinking/count your blessings think in a “i’m glad i’m not a____” rather than a “i wish i were a ____” pattern
3. eat a peppermint the scent increases beta brain waves, making you more upbeat and alert.
4. ask youself 3 questions will this last forever? can something good come out of it? what have i done to get through other awful days?
5. EAT! popcorn = carbs raise your serotonin levels, cheering you up; same for bagels. banana’s also have a serotonin booster, B6.
6. be polite you are more likely to ‘like yourself’
7. volunteer www.kab.org
8. get a friend involved in your pick up no one is TO happy, and having company never hurt
9. get spiritual no matter your religion, (or even lack there of) making a connection with that “core” of you, can be relaxing, as well as exciting
10.get stroked a 15 minute massage elevates moods, and can also reduce stress
11. get romantic orgasm triggers your body to release endorphines and oxytocin
12. get sweaty releases beta-endorphines and dopamine, which drugs such as prozac are modeled after
13. go shopping buy one thing that makes you feel attractive, raising your self esteem
14. focus on something, anything, yellow warm colors, such as yellow, orange, and red, have been proven to make people happier

you drive me crazy. flipping nuts actually.

so i could write about all the things that have made me depressed lately (depresion = anger without the enthusiasm) but i won’t. things are relativly well around here – summer summer summer. waiting around ehre to go swim, maybe get ice cream. yay!

lying in bed with dane this morning, he asked me what i was thinking about. i was quiet, and then looked at him. “i have made it 9 monthes with out her.” and he held me, and i didn’t cry, and .. life will go on. someday it will be a year, 2, 10. i truely didn’t think i could make it this far at one point… and i have. and i will.

she would of been 44 in two days.