The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

i am always amazed at how good i am at wasting time.

actually making something for a friend, but not doing a very good job of it, and, with 15 minutes until i have to be in my next class, i dump the entire thing, and say “i’ll do it another day.” typical ivory.

and so off to astronomy i go, hope halloween is fun for you all.

in between it all, life can be worth it sometimes.

i really want my sis and her boys to come see us soon. did brandon talk to you about kathleen giving you gas money maybe? calll me.

miss my family. miss my mind. miss my therapist. miss my mom. miss my bed. i am going to go find it.

life is good

*repeat to self 7 times, do a little dance, and hum the chorus to your favorite non-emo song. you are cured*

or, run to spokane at 11 at night, steal your best friends tv, buy some beer with your NO money, give your best friend a “don’t be scared on the plane” hug, rent sopranos with more of that NO money you shouldn’t be spending, stay up till 4 watching movies curled up next to someone that smells good, and then fall asleep in their arms, knowing when you wake up, they will be there, and that .. yes.. life is good.

*humming

tracy chapman stole my soul.

i hope someday my dreams are not regrets, my fears are not confirmed, and my life has not been one big, sad song.

but sometimes i am certain it will be.

*btw, i am really okay 75% of the time. you just get the crap of my life it seems.*

delete me!

a reason to smile:

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=susiehomemaker&itemid=339592#cutid1

what i wouldn’t give to have a real bed soon…. but thats alright i guess. i got a vacume today, so at least now i am not sleeping on a DIRTY floor…. plus my neighbor canyon (yes, he is a big hippie, but such a cool guy) says he slept on the floor for 4 years, and now that he has a big fluffy bed, he still has to sleep on the floor occasionally just to get back in balance. but i don’t think i am getting any more balanced these days. life is chaos, but hopefully chaos with boundries.
dane and i were going to go home tonight, but he is angry at the world (mostly because his friends flaked on him and the wallet he NEEDS to cash checks, get jobs etc.. still hasn’t came, though he was told it would be sent almost 2 weeks ago.) so he doesn’t really feel up to driving 5 hours (expecially without a license). SOOO….. *shrug* we’ll live without furniture for a while more.
we got an answering machine, btw. so if you call, now you hear my screwed up voice (did i mention i think i am coming down with strep?)
OH. and i got a job. at the library. circulation. i hear it’s not such a fun job, but we seriously need one of us working, and they called before anyone else. plus, the only other places i have a chance at are fast food and housekeeping. woo? no.
a guy behind me (in the library) is trying to convince a girl that she belongs to a cult. she is crying. wtf.
so yeah, spent last night drinking wine and bashing bush with canyon and heather (neighbors). they are 25 or so, graduate students, big hippies and i enjoy them so much. yay hippies!
i am just rambling so that i don’t have to walk home, but i suppose i better head that way and see if dane has changed his mind. if we don’t go home, i am going to call you ang, and probably laura, and we should all go see a $1.50 movie. i need to de-stress soon or i may explode.

*kaboom

okay< so, quickly, before i go back to my little home, i thought i’d let you all know i am alive. the apartment is great, in that one-room,-carpeted-kitchen,-basement-windows,-cop-lives-above-us, but-i-am-in-love-and-doing-all-the-things-i-ever-dreamed-i-would-be-at-19, kind of way. looking for a job (maybein the library, though mike told me not to, but hey, better than J in the B. dane is still jobless too, but we are making it alright, with saved $$ and family help. blahblah being grown up is weird.

been thinking alot today about how it was a year ago that laura found me hysterical in our room, unable to explain to her that my mother was dying, and she just cryed with me… 11 months. i don’t know if i can handle it, the true reality that she’s been gone almost a full year. it seems like maybe by now it should seem real. but no. i still want to call her all the time.. going through my phone book today looking for people to call and tell my new phone number, i had to remind myself she wasn’t there. she won’t be. she never met dane, and she never will. sitting on our front step dane told me the other day, out of no where, that my mother would be very proud of me. and i KNOW she would be. that she is. but god i just want to hear it. i just want to hear her voice, her laugh, her “required mother advice” as she called it, when she had to tell me, basicly, to not do what she had done. *deep breaths, since i am sitting in the cyber cafe, trying not to cry* 11 months. yes, i do still count the days.

i better head out, since i have class in spokane at 5, and a ton of stuff to get done before that. my new #, for those who care, is 509 235 1787. no answering mchine, so it may just ring if we’re not home.

sad +tired +lonely ivory= ivory getting a hair cut? yeah, i don’t know. ran to town to develop some pics, cut off my hair on impulse, regretting it now. it’s just dumb to cut off my hair cause i feel like shit. but alas i now have short hair again. looks alright, i guess, but whatever. it will grow back.

it’s hard to come back to school when being here makes each day so hard. i can’t explain it, but there is just a weight on my heart that i can’t shake, that i very seldom get when i am at home. maybe dane coming out will help. i really just wish i had my own room to go home and cry in. blah bought an ani difranco cd today, the live album they put out this year. she makes me feel better, yet violent.
this (http://www.righteousbabe.com/ani/poem.asp) has to be one of the greatest things i have ever heard. read it. download it. be offended. learn something. god i love it.

my roommate, jennie, seems really nice,so far. a lot like me, except without all the issues. plus she plays soccer, and moved out of her last room because her roommate smoked pot and drank. huh. but yeah, i have been a bit of a snob, since i just want to be alone lately, so i haven’t got to know her well at all. things will be fine i know, but damn it all to hell that it takes time. dane coming out in 2 weeks seems like forever, how am i supposed to last 4 more years here? how am i supposed to keep waiting for ..WHAT? uh i just need to go lay down. maybe eat something. write in my book and fall asleep, with minimal contact with anyone except people who give good hugs….

hanging out at marty’s waiting for him to get out of the shower so we can run to stevenson, where HOPEFULLY my dad is still aorund, and can take me home. if not? either it’s the boys, making ANOTHER trip up there (it’d be the 3rd in the last 2 weeks for dane) or i need to catch a bus pronto. :/
spent all weekend at my sis’s (or her in laws or whatever). it was my bro and nephews bday. over all a good weekend. i miss my family alot, but at least now i have a phone # for my dad, and can hopefully GET MY TEETH OUT this thusrday. OH! brad or anyone who has a car in the spokane area who loves me – want to do me a favor on thursday? heh. i’ll talk to you about it later.
i need to go to head shops on the way home to find a patch for my skirt. i tore it but i love it and want to wear it.. yes i am babbling now, but it takes up the time. (damn you marty hurry up. Heh)
dane and i are looking at apartments in spokane, and cheney. he wants to move up there, and i wouldn’t mind not living in the residence halls (yeah, that is dorms, but it is the politicly correct version, for brad). When i get back i should have a roomamte. her name is cora and she is a frehsman, and …..eh. i don’t know. i have to give her a chance, but i was just really enjoying NOT living with anyone. so that will probably come though in my judgements…. dane is sure when i get home she will have went through all my things and sold anything of value, but i think he is just trying to scare me. plus, what do i own of value???
alright, i am going to get off this comp and go sit by my wonderful boyfriend. *smile*

s o

at ny sis’ s slept in the boys’s room, so when they woke up i did, now i am watching them both, and yes, they are helping me type. i have to keep botrh on my lap, to minimize the destruction, so i should go. but you should see me, this is funny…