The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

okay, first off, i want to say tonight i am getting pizza. because i WANT IT. actually, i may go home and get a pizza right now….
also, i got my sewing machine last night. yay! i got it for 70 some dollors total, when it should be almost $140. whoa i am good. i have to go get sewing needles today, but the machine works fine, and i even have a warranty, just in case i break it. woo for not having to sew by hand!

and not for the disclaimer. what you just read, that is the good, nice part of my post, and if you are anti hearing me bitch, you should turn back now. your welcome.

so anyways, i am convinced i have a sticker on my back that says “hi, i’m an idiot, treat me as such!” because today people for some reason have just decided that i am retarded. 3 different times today people have attempted to make me feel 6, by explaining SIMPLE things to me, because i apperantly look like i DON’T know how to shelve books (this from a patron, when i am wearing my library ID, SHELVING BOOKS), what cinco de mayo is (ITS MY FREEKIN BIRTHDAY PEOPLE, i figure i’d know by now, 20 years of sharing a day with it), and how to log on to the computers in the computer lab. And it’s be one thing if i played along, saying “oh, so thats how you do it!” but no. at the beginning of each conversation i say “i know.” and they have all just gave me a “yeah, i’m sure you think you do honey, but i am obviously much smarter than you, and think i will show you anyways” smile, and went right on explaining this or that, while i say “i know, i have worked here for quite a while” or “i know, it’s my birthday” or “i know, i have come to this computer lab 2895629752946 times this year.” oooo they are lucky i am to tired to really yell at them. grrrr.

maybe it’s just pms. damn i hate being a girl. PLUS! oh oh oh! i HATE cheney, and all the RAPES. it makes me SO ANGRY, and SO SCARED, when this (http://www.spokesmanreview.com/news-story.asp?date=042903&ID=s1343047) happens a block from my house. and girls get gang raped in the park that is basicly my lawn. and girls get assaulted walking at night. i was so angry last night, because women have to worry about this kind of SHIT. SO FUCKING ANGRY. and if you are a guy, i know you can sympathize, but you can not know the kind of fear that wemon have to live with when there are MILLIONS of men out there just waiting to find one of us alone somewhere, so they can kidnap us, keep us in their basement and RAPE US. you can’t know how i feel when i am walking home after work, and i pass the park bathroom where the girl was gang raped while the guys friends sat in the truck and CHEERED, and i see a shadow, and RUN because i don’t know if it’s just a cat.

i’m going home, eating pizza, and trying not to be so angry.

chuck Palahniuk, the author of fight club and such, is putting out a travel guide for portland oregon… you can buy it here (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1400047838/ref=ase_chuckpalahniuhom/102-8806342-1822549) but it’s not really out til june. it just made me think about portland and the thousand nights we spent there. …

i am wandering.

alright, so first off, i should let you know that i am generaly NOT an angry person. i am pretty good at either A) letting things slide, and just not dealing with people who make me angry, or B) being very passive agressive. dane knows i am mad at him when i don’t do his laundry. so knowing this, you will realize how crazy i am today..

i RAGED twice on random people today.. once at value village because the woman wouldn’t let me use my debit card without id (isn’t the whole point of a debit card not having to have ID since you know the pin?) and then again at a pawn shop because the teller was being a bitch, and then when i turned around to leave was talking behind my back. now, before you go feeling bad for these women, know that they were being probably the worst service i have ever gotten, and they just happened to be right after one another. And i let them know that i did NOT apperciate being treated badly, and that if they expect to keep customers they need to change their additudes. so yeah, i made scenes, and dane was freeked out because he’s used to me being quiet and taking peoples shit. well.. no. i decided i was sick of it, and let myself be angry. no doubt danes really just freeked out because he is sure i will someday turn on him…

Other than that, today has been alright. the weather is nice, and dane has the day off so we just hung out and got stuff done. he is the best boyfriend ever because he did the dishes i have been putting off. seriously every dish in the house. every pan, every lid.. i cooked in the wok last night (umm.. pancakes.. :/) because i didn’t want to wash dishes. but he did them and i love him for it.

ummm.. so i just won something on ebay i don’t really want. damn damn damn. *sigh* oh well, i can always sell it later. such a lamer…

late to work..

so iu have never claimed to be really intellegent, right?

well, here’s proof that i am barely able to function in every day settings – i forgot to go to work yesterday. just forgot. was hanging out at about 7 something and realized my shift had BEEN OVER at 6:15 and i had never gone…. Now, it seems okay when you realize last quarter my weekend schedual wa sthe opposite (work on sundays, not saturdays, now i work saturdays but not sundays) but still.. that wasn’t it. i just forgot to go.

*shakes her head*

i have no idea if they are going to be super angry or what. i almost want them to fire me though. there is a waitress position open here in town, and i think that would #1 be more profitable, and #2, i wouldn’t hate it as much i think. i used to love waitressing, when my evil cook wasn’t making me cry out on the floor…

so anyways, here i go. happy easter btw. i called alot of my family today, but no one was home. *shrug

… so i just realized how many people were leaving town tonight, to travel home for easter. truthfully, i had forgotten easter was even this weekend. someone at work mentioned i should cheer up becasue it was good fridays (hardy har har har) and i was like “oh yeah..”

holidays make me sad any more. or maybe i am just sad and holidays havn’t figured out that they should stop coming around until i am happy again. but really i think holidays just make me sad. Maybe it’s because i feel so disconnected to the world, expecially my family. While holidays were never a huge deal with us as we grew up, i want more and more to be 5 and helping my mom dye eggs… My mom always made the holidays festive, even if it was something small because we were poor. Even up until she died she would send us goodie boxes, full of silly little things, not so much to celebrate easter really, but to remind us that she was thinking of us, and that we were still 5 in her eyes…
i wish i was 5 in anyones eyes now.

I don’t think dane and i are doing anything.. we both have to work, and he’s alot like my dad in the way of thinking that holidays are just another way for coorporate america to steal our money and make us weak… Plus he probably doesn’t even know what easter represents, and wouldn’t be into celebrating it if he did.

god i sound bitter.

so anyways, everyone is out of town, and dane is working tonight, so i am renting movies and hanging out in my pj’s i think. i have a couple books i have been trying to read, so maybe i will just do that. It’s a good thing i am not 21 i decided, because as much as a puss as i am about drinking, i don’t doubt i would go get all drunk and be even poorer if i were. just inthat kind of mood.

speaking of being poorer, i need to quit looking for crap i don’t need on ebay. while i have bought some things that i really love, and havn’t spent more than $20 total, i have been tempted to buy all kinds of stuff just because it’s there. cars, houses, 70,000 dollor paintings. plus a thousand vintage dresses and punkie shirts. *shrug* i’ll live without it all.

dane’s truck is falling apart.. on the way to do laundry today his drivers side window just fell into the door. WTF. he has it all jimmy-rigged up, but he has to get a new door soon anyways,(the hinges are bent so it doesn’t shut right) so i am loaning him the $$ to just go ahead and do it now. He is working so much though, that i know he can pay me back soon. plus, what would i spend the money on – a ceramic monkey lamp? probably.

another long day in the life of ivory…

setting up ebay stuff, i am determined to sell off alot of my crap.

why do i have nothing to say? i swear i DO have thoughts and ideas. they just vanish when i sit down to write in here i guess…

Sad sad sad
http://www.hot.ee/dontdrink/

so i’m alone from now till 1 in the morn, and i am not itching to go sit in my dark apartment (i REALLY wish i had more windows) and not do my dishes. so here i am, in the computer lab, looking up banana nut bread recipes and filling out surveys. woo?

are you as bored as me? here’s a survey for you to read…

http://www.zefrank.com

interactive toys! yay

and on that note, i am waiting for dane to come get me, and to go home. the auditions went well, i am optimistic, but who knows. interesting fact though.. the spot is a paid position, so if i got it, get this… i would be a paid actress. crazy, huh?

all right, i just wanted to share this picture.

oo when i am nervous my teeth HURTTTT. i know it is weird, but they doooo.

was woken up this morning by the phone. i had randomly called a theatre company a couple weeks back, just to see what they were producing soon, and the guy called me today, and asked if i could come audition tonight for a part in the play “proof”. this play is awsome, and i am nervous about auditioning. i am not getting my hopes up either, because.. well, just because. There are only two roles for women, and one is 30 some, and the other 20 some. the younger woman (whom i am most physically suited for) is the center of the whole play, and i am not so sure i can pull that off. and the older sister, the one in the 30′s.. i am not so sure i can pull off being 30 some either. soo.. *shrug* but it will be interesting, and will definatly fill up my schedule if i got it. rehersal monday, tuesday (AFTER my night class… ), wednesday, assistant directing medusa’s tale on thursday, so far nothing on friday, and then rehersal for proof on saturday, and nothing on sunday. this is not to mention work 6 days a week, and school. eak. i am not so sure another play IS the thing… (and if you understood that, and think i am dumb, i KNOW)

i called my dad yesterday. i guess he and luke are headed down to chances this weekend, since it’s her b-day and all. i need to send her present, but will most likely keep it until i ge tto see her again. it’s like ransom.
talking to my dad is always a little weird, mostly because i always realize how much a miss him and wish we were closer. *sigh*

this was a bunch of randomness, and this is more random. oo summer