The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

no time to explain, but if you need to get ahold of me for a while, i will be at

ivory freeman
c/o Meadowood Springs Speech and Hearing Camp
box 1025
pendleton or 97801

yay camp! i expect to get care packages.

and remember – god does provide. wasn’t it just yesterday that i hated my life because nothing was going my way? *just breathe*

sometimes the man i love can be such a jerk. if your girlfriend is crying because it hurts her to be around you and your mom because she realizes she will never have a cool adult relationship with her own, do you A) pull over the car you are in, tell her you love her and you didn’t realize it bothered you,
B) say “that sucks, but what can i do to help?” or C) make it about yourself and make it an argument. and then, just shut up, and say nothing for an hour, as she cries and looks out the window.

dane chose c. i wasn’t even saying i didn’t want to be here at his moms (we’ve been here for a while), because i lovehis mom, she’s awesome. i was just trying to let him know why i had been in a weird mood for a couple days. but fuck it, things are alright now, but i just remember when he would hold me when i cryed, and didn’t have this amazing ability to overlook me and my emotions. grrr.

ANYWAYS, we are in portland, and things are just not going my way lately. i have 4 EMORMOUS bruises on my legs from god knows what that are constantly being smacked by someone or something, my feet are swollen from walking around at the zoo, i cut my foot running after danes dog, i am getting an ear ache, my plans for summer are falling apart, i lost my wallet that has me SS card and birth cirtificate in it (do i still exist? what should i do to prevent identity fraud?, i can’t get ahold of anyone, including lisa who is leaving in the next two days, because my wallet had her number, and just a million other little things that are getting on my nerves.

but somethings are good. like the fact that my nephews and danes sister are the coolest kids ever. i will post some pics when i can get this damn website i am messing with to work.

i just need to remind myself to breathe. and that dane is not doing these things to hurt me. we are both just going through alot, and things will be okay once we get our head on strait.
which is a saying i am not for sure makes any sense in any circumstance.

i feel like i have quit growing.

and i have no intentions of staying the way i am.

so it’s became real, i am technically homeless as of last friday. funny that i sat up in the truck 100 miles from spokane and said “dane we’re homeless!” and thats when it was finally real.

just been bumming around stevenson/vancouver for the last couple days, trying to take up time before i leave with my dad and bro to ok. so excited.

something i never want to become is as critical as some people i have met recently. get over yourself, you are not so great that you can roll your eyes at others ideas and lifestyles. really, just grow up. and while that sounds uber critical, i am just kinda pissed.

so yeah, off to go watch boys be silly.

and HAHAHA school, i kicked your ASS and got a 4.0 this quarter. HAHAHA. i am BAdASS>

so it looks like i am going to go with my dad and bro to OK for a while, and then come back and play in the woods with lisa and her guy kyle for a good part of the summer. he works for a habitat restoration company, so every couple weeks they transfer to another cool park and work for a while. and lisa and i will just hang out and make crafts and try to sell them and just be bums. yay.

my phone/electricity will be shut off this friday, so if you need to get ahold of me, email will be the best way. which is funny, because i can’t even check hotmail right now. but i will be able to from random libaries.

so i was going to bed the other night, and out of habit, went to set my alarm clock. but then i realized, “Oh my god, i don’t have to get up for 3 months.”

whoa.

anyways, moving is lame, but kind of fun i get to go through all of my crap, and dane doesn’t ask me “what the h are you doing???” i am just moving, not being weird and playing iwth my 20 year old dolls!! dane’s last day at work was last night, and we sold the tv, so i spent 9 hours CLEANING out of lack of better thing to do. that and i wanted to suprise dane so we could go home sooner. but it turns out he has to stay till friday anyway, so now we have nothing to do.

turns out i may go with my dad to oklahoma for a while. he has to take the bus (a super nice touring bus he borrowed from my uncle 34953 years ago and my bro has been living in lately)
*like this except a little different*

back to him in arkansas. and i am going to tag along. it will be cool to hang out with my dad and little bro for a while.
he plans to leave before the end of the month, so maybe i can put off starvation by a couple more weeks.

i like my campus best when there is no one here and the squirells take over.

i made 40 some dollors on ebay today. yeah, thats right, buy my old crap. thank you.

okay, i better go home, and take care of other fun stuff like trying to get wax off my walls without rubbing through the paint. don’t ask. it’s stupid.

draw me a sheep.

oh i am so poor
oh i am so poor
hi-ho the dairy-o, oh i am so poor.

so i figure i can live of $20 a week, if i use my resources. so that gives me… 2 weeks. DAMN.

took a final this morning that if i didn’t ace it i missed a max of 2. plus, if we bombed it, we can drop it since it is just counted as one of out weekly quizes. WHAT? i wish he had told me that before, since i spent 34927 hours yesterday memorizing crap. oh well. i’m going to pass. thats all that matters i guess. i am guessing a 3.5 in there, a 4.0 in ASL, and a 3.8 in philosophy. i need to pull it all up, since i am entering my major next year, and need to get my transcript looking schnazzy for graduate schools. again, WHAT? who am i.

long day ahead – hopefully ending with something intoxicating.
camcorder should be here today/tomorrow, so maybe drunken silliness caught on tape. for all of posterity to see.

btw – dane made another pie last night, this time a peach pie. i don’t understand how that boy can make pies from scratch (crust and all) with no recipe, and they always come out SOOO good. we ate most of this one last night. i am so glad he has a natural talent for cooking, becuase otherwise all we’d eat would be bean burritos and canned corn. because thats my favorite lazy girl meal. and i am always lazy. danes just happy i’m such a natural.. homemaker? no. not cook either. and i’m not so cute in the mornings. it must be my winning personality.
riiihhggggt.

(btw, number 2 – you know how on some cell phones they guess what you are typing when you text message? like, you type “per” and it guesses person. well, i need that on a computer. i am a horibble speller, and typer. someone make it. and give it to me. thanks.)

why does the sudden urge to puke always come when it is the least welcome?

also, why do i spend time on this computer when i could be home with dane?

- update of my homeless status – talked to lisa for a while yesterday, and found out i can always stay with her, since where ever she goes, there is a couch. YAY. i have back my left leg. woot.
also, my awesome mentor kerensa is going to introduce me to a friend of hers who lives in san diego and is willing to let me crash there if i make it down there. which i really want to do. someone should just give me $$ to travel this summer, and i will write a book about my travels and let them publish it in their name, so they look cool. WHOA thats a great idea. i should set it up on ebay. HAHAHA

god i hate days when i can’t get the image of things that will never happen out of my head. had a dream that my mother and father gave me away at my wedding thats been haunting me all day. my mom won’t give me away at my wedding, she won’t even be there. she won’t be able to congradulate me on graduating, she won’t know my children, she won’t even ever meet dane. she is gone. and that fucking sucks.
but whatever i’m not writing about this here. going home, cleaning my house, spending time with my boy before we are flung to either side of.. oregon.

lifes crazy. final tomorrow that i havn’t studied for. i am a lamer.

bang bang bang

btw – drunk boys and stun guns = not a great idea. but they thought it was funny. *shakes her head, but laughs because it was really funny to watch* i hid it this morning though. good thing it’s just a baby one and really can’t hurt any one bad. just makes a scarry noise, and shocks you a little. which, i am told, feels pretty cool the 4th or 5th time.

thing that i love right now:

thunder storms
yummy potato soup
tortalini
staying bed all day
waking up as the sun came up, and watching the shadows dissapear in our little apartment.