The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

heyyyy stevenson-ites…

so i am coming home on monday, and kind of need a ride from cascade locks to stevenson, around 5-ish. anyone interested in having the wonderful company of ivory for 15 minutes? heh. i will buy you a cookieeeee…..

http://www.livejournal.com/users/ivymae/361490.html?mode=reply
a year and a half ago:

goals in my life:

i want to adopt a child
i want to publish a work of fiction
and one of non fiction
i want to hike for weeks at a time
i want to learn ASL (american sign language)
i want to live a year without tv or a car or even this computer
i want to write a song that i do not think sucks
i want to fall in love
i want to fight for something worth having
i want to have a house that i a confident will keep my family dry
and a car that will keep them safe
i want to be educated – working on this
i want to be healthy
i don’t want to regret anything.
i want a slew of animals
and a barn to keep them in
i want to learn to cook – to be the one whos house everyone comes to for thanksgiving, for the stuffing.
i want to be a cult phenomenon and not even know it
i want to have that one kiss – the one that changes everything.
i want to have nice teeth when i get old – ones that don’t comeout
i want to build something – and plan a garden.
i want to forgive all those people i have held grudges against
i want peace
i want to grow old and not find this and cry.

some one stop me from reading all the sad stories of my life. god i wish dane were here to just let me sob for a while, and to tell me that things will be okay. i am suddenly so angry. how dare my mom be dead. how dare all these girls here talk about missing their moms.. they will be home in 10 days. my mom will never be home. i can’t call her to complain about a hard day, i can’t ask her for advice, or even complain about her being overbearing.

i am just tired of being motherless.

so the other day i jokingly told kaitlyn that her boyfriend was going to send her a book one page at a time. and now he is… she never told him. weird? yes.

but someone should do that. or just write me a story. or just send me random magazine articles. do it do it.
this is my addy: http://www.livejournal.com/users/ivymae/621586.html?mode=reply

do it do it.

todays my mom’s bday. it’s hard to know how to feel. i am too busy to be miserable, but to heartbroke to pay much attention to my work. i am a zombie. it’s weird. what do you do on peoples birthdays after they die? 44. it’s hard to believe she would of only been 44. i know so many 40 something people who seem so far away from death. but my moms dead. it just doesn’t make sense. …

aaa freedom. to sleep in. to eat food i want. to wear sleeveless shirts. to leave the mountian. i can’t imagine being in prison. 15 days at a camp was about to drive me crazy.

it’s break, dane did get here (yay!) and we have just been doing whatever we want. i love it. i wish wish wish i could be carefree and do whatever.. when ever. but no. 2 more monthes and it’s becak to school, work, and structure. *sigh* but things will be okay. life will go on no matter what, even if we can’t imagine it now….

so yeah, the kids come back on friday, but we have to start work tomorrow. i just keep telling myself “15 days ivy, 15 days…” but even then i don’t have a clue what i am doing. maybe we should brain storm. should i A) go to oklahoma and see my family
B) go to arkansas and live with my dad c)crash on my sisters couch D) track down lisa and go camping in the woods with her for a while E)hitchike across the country F) tag along with dane wherever he ends up G) try and find a job/house/adult life somewhere… who knows. i’ve got 15 days to figure it out.

things that are on my mind but that i don’t have the time/energy to write about really.

my moms birthday is on the 17th. she would of been 44.
i never get mail.
i’m not for sure that dane can find the place tomorrow, if he even gets the email i sent him with the directions. i hate feeling alone.
all the kids leave tomorrow. i wonder how much they will take with them from here. if maybe some will be more sure of themselves, or if the changes i see can only exist here where people want to accept them.
my cabin is a mess.
my life feels very messy.
i am late for work again.

hey, i need a favor from all you stevenson-ites

if you see dane, please tell him to come get me this sunday at 12? i think he is confused and thinks it’s NEXT sunday, and if i don’t see him i am gonna FREEK OUT.

damn it.

this weekend i have a break before the next set of kids come, and if dane doesn’t show up i am just going to stay here. it will be alright.. kaitlyn and i will just sit by the pool and eat leftovers from the kitchen. *shrug* but i’d really like to see dane, ya know?

sigh.

tonight was the dance. it was a blast. we danced with 6 year olds and ate cookies and drank the first soda in 2 weeks. the kids are so awsome. i enjoy them so much. it’s so crazy that they will be gone in another day, and then a whole nother group of kids. weird. but it will be fun, now that i know how this place workds.

alright. hopefully someone sees dane soon. i was told he was around stevenson, but i can’t find him. oh well.

“so i am around all these kids, and i can’t take my bad mood out on them, so i just be happy, and play and try to act like things are great, and then i come home and i am just so tired and worn out that i don’t have time to worry about all the shit, and then it happens day after day amnd eventually, i just have so much bitterness and frustration built up that i just want to punch some one. over and over and over.”

amen sister.

things here are hectic. i didn’t realize in the secretary position i was bent over grabbing my ankles. a little to vivid for you i am sure, but man am i tired of being everyones bitch.
but really, the worst days are over, all the campers are here now, and it’s going to fall into place soon. only 8 more days until i have a break. whew.
point of interest, – this is another summer where snow cones will be a major part of my diet.

thank god for polly wog.

i am such a dork. mostly because i am having a great time, and then i call dane, and remember how much i miss him and am all po-ey.

but really, damn it, sleeping alone sucks. alot. expecially when you know there is someone that wants you there with them. but noooo you decided to leave and play in the woods with kids that can’t talk. yay.

anyways, yeah, i love everything but the fact that i am so far from him. there are awsome people here, and i can’t wait for the kids to get here (friday). but it feels like we’ve been here forever, and it’s only been 3 days. 20 some more to go???

my day

7:30 – get up
7:45 – flag and singing
8:00 – breakfast
9:00 – training/team building
10:30 – 11:45 – secretary work
11:45 – flag
12:00 – lunch
1:00 – 2:15 – FOB (flat on back – nap time for the kids, free time for me, since i don’t have kids to watch)
2:15 – 3:00 – store/snack time (i have to make 120 snow cones and then sell toys to kids. what?)
3:00- 5:45 – secretary work
5:45 – flag
6:00 dinner
7:00 – 9:00 night tinme activity (dances/campfires etc)
9:30 lights out (not for me, since again, i don’t have kids to watch)

okay, i have to get off here, there are people waiting. one phone, one computer for 50+ people. damn it

HEY –

just a note, the addy i posted before was wrong – send it to

Ivy (you have to put ivy, not ivory, it’s a camp thing)
meadowood camp
77650 meadowood rd
weston OR

camp is cool, the kids come on friday amd i am just hanging out till then. i am secretary and store manager, so i am really not involved with alot of the training, but hey, there’s a pool, so i am fine. camp ends at the end of july, so i am planning on heading to OK then for a while, and then back up here to be a bum.

send me stuff. even though i have to sing at lunch to get my packages. i want cookies.