The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

It is such a strange compulsion, to share our lives with strangers. So many of the things I write I would never say outloud, mostly because I do not have friends I can call and just chatter and contradict myself. Or maybe I do and I (as is my MO) don’t give them the credit they deserve. Regardless, here I am, blah de blahing my way through another post which I will not copy and paste over to the other journal, because eventually I want to transition to writing here, and leaving the old journal to mock me when I try and run for office. It’s hard to leave it behind though. Six years of my life recorded, nearly day to day. My first date with Tom, my first day of college. The day day my mom died. The first time I felt Ella kick. But, there are the other things. The three year downward spiral after mom died. The self medicating, The anger and loneliness. In a way, this new blog is my New Years Resolution, in March. I am, by my guesstimate, Ivory version 6.2, and I’ve finally worked out the bugs. Well, some of them.

Oh, and to follow up to the Spring Cleaning post, do you think we have enough books? You would think we were English majors or something.

Yesterday Tom and I got a wild hair up our bums (wait, what the hell does that mean?) and decided to rearrange our office. You know – the room in the house with the most awkward furniture and wires wires galore.

So Tom went to work at untangling, dusting and hanging shelves, while Ella and I.. um.. made sure the TV still works.

Good news: it does.

We are still working out the small details (what goes on what shelf, where do we keep all the random crap we have with desks with no drawers?) before Tom’s parents come over for dinner tonight, but as it is the room already feels SO much better. Light and Airy VS. Cramped and Ugly. Okay, maybe it is still ugly (I blame Tom for insisting on the silver/black desks) but it’s getting better. We are thinking of using all of our instruments as the wall art, since we have a closet of guitars and mandolins and drums and violins that are being wasted, but want to make sure we hang them correctly, so that we do not ruin any of them. Because unlike my $40 guitar which I painted and doesn’t hold a tune, Tom’s instruments are actually *gasp* nice. Ha.

So: Operation Spring Cleaning is underway, with the next step dusting off our wedding plans (10 weeks? CRAP) and convincing the parents that a small intimate garden wedding without everyone they know is a great idea. They are coming over for a BBQ tonight, and I told Tom HE has to talk to them, since I get all red and stuttery. Bonus points for the fact that they had to put down their dog Sara today. (So very sad, BTW. I’m not trying to make a joke of it, just point out that really? It doesn’t help make today any less emotional.)

Off to buy green beans and rolls. Because carbs makes everything better.

There is something about seeing her handwriting that makes my breath catch in my throat, and I have to make a conscious decision to smile, smile damnit, because otherwise I will cry.

Today I cried while smiling. It’s progress.

(Found in a box of photos, while looking for family photos for Ella’s room, circa 1987ish.)

(It always amazes me how much sunshine radiates from you. Love Mom)

For the last two hours I have been playing with themes and headers and widgets and BAH, I am done for today. It’s a steep learning curve, and I am self grading an E for effort and a F for WTF.

Money, you stab me
With every bill and red slip
I pay with panic.

Which is to say :SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

*stomp stomp stomp*

Countdown: three months until we are both (finally) done with school and will have the time and energy for ‘real’ jobs. You know, the ones that actually pay enough for us to pay our mortgage and maybe eventually health insurance. i knew I shouldn’t be working on our budget right now, when we were having such a nice day, but hell – you have to face the fact that you are on the fast track to POOR sometime, right?

I take solace in the fact that, other than our house, we are not in debt. Not one thin dime on a credit card, nothing to haunt us if, worst came to worst, we had to sell the house for something smaller. We could start over with a pretty good chance of success.

But that doesn’t change our red red red bottomline. *shakes her fist at the heating bill*

Tom and I are still trying to figure out this whole wedding ordeal. We have three options right now.

Option A: Have the ceremony at CenterStage, (since we already gave them a hefty deposit), run and do pictures at Manito Park ($300) and then have the casual backyard party at Tom’s parents (catered – ~$1000)
Option B: Have the wedding at Manito Park, have pictures there ($300), then move to Tom’s parents (~$1000), (but say goodbye to the $500 deposit at CS)
Option C: Have the wedding/reception both at CS, but cut our guestlist down to 50 people max (1/3-1/4 of what it is now) so that we can afford to pay our mortgage. (~$3000)

Option L: Go to Vegas! Who’s coming?!

We are talking to Tom’s parents this week (Pam is out of town right now) and seeing what they think. Either they agree with us that we should live within our means and cut a huge chunk of the families out of the guest list, or they offer to help us fund their siblings meals. I am trying not to feel a huge amount of guilt, because Pam has already told everyone and their neighbors about the wedding and I HATE disappointing people ( I also hate taking people’s money, so there is guilt there too) (plus, traditionally, if anyone should be giving money it’s MY family, but it’s not a possibility) but also, I realize what a crock it is that we buy into this pretty princess wedding bullshit. Logically, i KNOW it’s not about the favors and flowers and place settings – but still, I would be lying if I said it doesn’t preoccupy me. I know my desire for these things is built on advertising and class envy, and I know I should be above all that shit, but it’s still hard to let go of it. So, i feel guilty about buying into this illusion of a wedding, and losing sight of what it is about.

Weddings shouldn’t have so much guilt around them.

So: here is my plan. Tom, Ella and I will be there. Maybe there will be food, maybe there will be flowers, maybe there will be sunshine and birds and fluffy white clouds. But mainly, it will be the Tom and I, with Ella at our feet, a family celebrating our commitment to each other, and to our futures. And there will be cake, because we like cake.

What does your drawing say about YOU?

You tend to pursue many different activities simultaneously. When misfortune does happen, it doesn’t actually dishearten you all that much.
You are a thoughtful and cautious person. You like to think about your method, seeking to pursue your goal in the most effective way.
You like following the rules and being objective. You are precise and meticulous, and like to evaluate decisions before making them.
You have a sunny, cheerful disposition.

other things:
Even if we can’t pull off the surprise wedding (how do we get people in town, but convince them that they NEED to come to the BBQ, since (though they would not know it) there is no Sunday Wedding?) we are excited about the wedding again, which is a HUGE improvement. I talked to Lisa for a while today, and she (having just gotten married in August) reminded me of the obvious: this should be a celebration, not something that makes me cringe. It will not come off “country” or “hillbilly”, which is my fear, because we won’t let it. Informal does not equal poor and lazy. We are thinking we will do it on Saturday afternoon, in Pam’s backyard (which they have 10 guys landscaping this week), with the ceremony around 5, and then backyard party until whenever. It’s a damn good thing we havn’t sent out invitations yet, huh?!
( I love how 3 months before the days (oh crap, less than three months!) we are redefining all this shit.)

I am working on a living-budget, and realizing that we spend WAY too much money on food. I am not even going to post how much it is, because it is ridiculous. What is your average monthly grocery bill? Is it 4 digits? How do I spend less?!

We are thinking that since we are not jumping into another baby for a bazillion years, we want a dog. wait, that sounds wrong. we want a dog regardless, but are justifying getting one by telling ourselves that we will have the time for him with only one kid. Plus, Ella? LOVES dogs. Loves.

I have a 10 page paper due tomorrow morning. Instead, i am looking at Flickr weddings.
Flower girl, fun trees, cute picture idea, bubbles!, Happy,
what tom will be wearing

Blah Blah, i really need to get STARTED on this paper.

Tom and I seriously considered trashing our current wedding plans today, and throwing a ‘surprise wedding’. Which is to say, I invite you to my house for a BBQ, and instead of beer and hot dogs, you get beer, good food and a wedding.

Because you know what? I think it would be fun. And that is what we want this day to be. Fun! It would still be a wedding – Tom and I committing ourselves to each other, with vows and rings and flowers – but all of the expectations people have about it all would be moot.

We are thinking that people will be in town for the ‘real’ wedding on Sunday, so the rehearsal dinner/graduation BBQ on Saturday would be the time to do it, and then we could just give people the day off on Sunday. ha! We’ll see. I am just so over the idea of a big formal day, and ready to have fun, and to make the day about US, not the flowers and favors and crap.

Downside: a nonrefundable deposit we already put down on our space. :/

ETA:
Some surprise weddings ala google:
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, six,

This one is maybe my favorite, so think this, with this vibe. (that whole set is enviable).

First, Jennifer Garner, stop making me love you. I don’t think I ever even noticed you before you had Violet, but now I want to hang out with you every day. Every time I see a story about you, it’s about how much you love your daughter, or about being a mom, or about accepting this new body/goals/perspective, and I hope other Hollywood mom’s take the cue. Or hell, even mom’s in general. So do you want to come over? I have pie!

Second, i am looking for a rehearsal dinner/graduation party dress. I am resisting the urge to just Value Village it, since there are so many great Spring dresses out right now, and hell – My wedding dress cost less than most of these dresses.
These are my top picks so far:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Criteria: Show off my hot legs, be fun, be under $50 (though i will splurge up to $75 if I love it), and either be able to try it on locally or have a great shipping/return policy.)
If you can think of other places I should look, let me know.

Third..
Was there a third? I forget. The plan for today is to run to Pool World and get more spa chemicals (because it smells like hose water!), then wait for Tom to get home so I can go write my paper somewhere quiet with coffee.
And .. um.. maybe go to Value Village.