The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

Sometimes I think I am going to lose her in the sun.

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Real entries coming back soon. We are enjoying this strange little respite of nice weather before the glooms move in this weekend, so if you need us, we’re picking apples, going for walks, and rolling in the grass.

Potential space for the NP., originally uploaded by ivymae.

Needs work but is an amazing space.

Whew, thank God today was better. Well, better in the sense that I didn’t spend all day moping around, but still pretty crummy in the sick-kids/dental-work department. It seems like such a small leap lately between “Aw shucks, today is tough, but we’ll keep on truckin’!” and “I want to walk out of the door, get on the bus, go to the bar, and never come home. Where are my shoes?” I know that my trigger is when I feel inadequate, because, oh hello, Daddy issues? Nice to see you again. But I need to get a handle on it, because if Mama is in a bad mood, the entire house is crabby, which does not help my mood.  Self confidence – I needs me some. Poor Tom – I go to him for validation that I’m not a failure, and even when he tries to give me what I want, I somehow manage to bring him down to my level. Trying to give me a hand? Oh, let me pull you in instead, so at least I have company. It’s no wonder that on his rough days, he just refuses to go into that whirlpool of negativity. I know it’s what I would do – not participate in a repetitive behavior that is damaging to everyone involved – but from inside that “Woe is me” bubble, it just feels like abandonment.

Wow, did you come here for cute pictures of kids? Hope you don’t mind my midnight therapy session instead. I’m up working on part of the feasibility study for the nonprofit, and I have a favor to ask you. Our current name is catchy, simple, and makes it clear what kind of parenting group we are. it is also similar to a small, new, national parenting magazine. We are looking into trademark loopholes, but are also putting feelers out for a new name, to possibly avoid the issue all together. So, what have you got? We feel like “Family Resource Center” is just too clinical, but something like “Village: A Family Resource Center” could work. Nothing is sounding right though, so give me ideas.

Also: I am trying not to publish the city we live in but if you are interested in seeing the site I put together for the group last spring, and seeing more about the (current) group, let me know and I will email you the link. This is just one of the many times where I am torn between saying “I won’t be intimidated by the unknown, here’s my life, nothing bad can happen” and “Panic! Panic! You publish facts about your life for strangers! Take it down!” It’s a daily tug of war.

Jen recently linked to Polyvore, and after playing around with it for a bit, I decided to put together my uniform. You know, the outfit that I wear at least once a week, not because it is stunning, but because I know I can pull it off with minimal effort. Skirt + wrap shirt, funky bag, black slip on mary janes, and simple but classic jewelry. It’s hard to go wrong there.

In a perfect world, I could wear this every day, but in reality, I have more yoga pants than cute skirts, so this is a more typical day:

What about you?

(P.S.- Today is a bust. A no-sleep, sick-kids, root-canal, arguing-with-husband, behind-on-work bust. Distract me?)

Meme, originally uploaded by ivymae.

Meme time. Take a picture of yourself right now. Do not change your clothes, do not do your hair, do not edit the picture. And while I am mobile posting, let me tell ya, it’s been a rough day. First day of fall, and it’s been raining all day. Goodbye summer. *sigh*

Last hurrah, originally uploaded by ivymae.

They finally finished the new splash pad 3 blocks from my house, and turned it on this week. Thankfully the weather has been surprisingly hot (low 90s!) so I didn’t have to try to explain to Ella the absurdity of playing in the sprinkler in the middle of September. Hurrah!

What it was last night:

(Short) fingerless Adrienne gloves in Manos Del Uruguay, knit in the round because seaming is not my strong point. I took out the ribbing last night, because I wanted it to be snugger, but by then it was after 1am, so I just left my needles in it and planned to rework it this morning over coffee.

What I found in the hallway when I woke up:

Hmm, my needles. But wait…. if they are here….

What I found on the kitchen floor:

Toddler for sale, toddler for sale, one sneaky, sly toddler for sale.

In an effort to save money, we’re turning off our cable. It is our largest (non-mortgage) bill right now, and that is just ridiculous.  When we decided that I would turn down the university job and focus on the nonprofit, we started looking for places we could cut back, and it was easy to see the weak link in our budget. Since I’m already a thrifter by nature, there isn’t much fat to trim in our clothing budget, or our housing-stuff budget. The food budget is being reworked (aka – I HAVE to start sticking to our meal plans), and our almost nonexistent entertainment budget got even smaller. We’re turning off lights, driving less, and repurposing instead of buying new. It’s been kind of fun actually, finding ways to be more efficient, so when we looked at our bills, and one company was taking over 60% of our non-mortgage bill money, we knew either the TV or the internet had to go. And that was an easy choice.

It’s only been the last two years or so that I’ve even HAD television that didn’t require a tinfoil antenna, so I’m trying not to second guess our decision. We will keep our Blockbuster Online subscription, and may even splurge and get two movies at a time. Fancy, I know. I can watch most of ‘my shows’ on Hulu, and the ones that I can’t will be out on DVD eventually, so eh. Really, the only thing that makes me nervous is that span of time right after we wake up, when Clifford distracts my child while I hook up my caffeine IV. But that is what library videos are for, right?

I really expected Tom to break out in hives when I suggested it, but after a couple minutes of deep breathing, he was on board. Of course, he is already dreaming up ways to spend the money we are saving, but it’s one step at a time right?

This week has been draining – emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially. I’m just tired, and looking foward to the next few days when Tom is home and I can ‘check out’ for a while. In the mean time:

1. If you are not already a fan of Mermade Baubles, then this is a great opportunity to check out Jen’s talent and enter for a chance to win a beautiful necklace.

2. A great article about money management and the stress it can have on a relationship. When i forwarded this to Tom, he said “Well, that’s it. You will just have to start wasting money on electronics if you want this marriage to work.”

3. I am going through my photos, trying to sort out all my ‘crafty’ photos, and realizing that I only manage to take pictures of maybe a third of the things I make. Note to self: work on that.

4. We’re going to make this this afternoon.

5. This fruit fly trap actually works much better than cussing and spraying them with cleaner midair.

6. Finally, a way to get Tom and Ella to eat eggplant and squash: slice it thin, bread it and deep fry it. So basically, cancel out any nutritional value. Next up: beets.

Llama llama llama llama.

I’m not sure who Ella loved more – Jay Jay the Llama, or this pokey green caterpillar who is living on the steps outside our house. He’s totally waving here, asking us to bring him “Two apples please!”